My End-All 2013 Boston Red Sox Rant

world series cup trophy FINAL

  • So yeah, the Red Sox are officially the 2013 World Series Champions. Utterly incredible. I remember listening to talk radio back in March and they wouldn’t even take calls concerning the team. During Spring training, I wholeheartedly thought that this team would be battling the Yankees for the second-to-last spot in the AL East. 
  • Then the season started. The team got off to a surprising start but everything about it seemed flukey. Definitely not the type of team we’ve gotten used to over the past couple of years. We still had one of the highest payrolls in baseball, but nothing about that was reflected by the collective character of the clubhouse.
  • Unlike those blowhards we shipped to Los Angeles, guys like Victorino, Gomes, and Napoli came here to throw wins on the board. Not to mention Uehara, who quietly had one of the most dominating seasons ever by a closer. Guy was lights out the entire year and I don’t think there was an analyst or talk show host in the book that could’ve predicted the turnaround that Lackey had.
  • In a way, I think the likability factor is what sets this championship apart from a lot of other teams who’ve latched their collective fingers around the Commissioner’s Trophy. For the last couple of years, I’ve rooted for the Red Sox shamelessly. We all did. We all rooted for a team comprised of overpaid, under-motivated douchebags, as well as a front office who cared more about souvenir revenue than clinching the division. With this year’s team, I can take a grain of satisfaction in the fact that I’m cheering for a bunch of guys who want to do it the way it’s supposed to be done.
  • In a nutshell, nothing will ever completely wash away the events that occurred on April 15th, but another reason to clog the streets of Boston can’t hurt. So let’s toast to the fact that the 2013 Red Sox were more ‘2004 Red Sox’ than the 2004 Red Sox were. Cue the duck boats, indeed…

Koji Uehara’s Son Won the World Series Last Night

  • So in case anyone missed it, Koji’s son made an encore appearance at last night’s trophy presentation. Kid is just begging for a chair spot in one of those AT&T commercials. Just adorable. And yeah, I said adorable.
  • On a real note though, I’m pretty sure Kaz gives a better post game interview than Shaq. At least you can understand the kid…

PS  Kaz absolutely torched Erin Andrews on that high five attempt. Kid’s a Masshole already.

Is This The Greatest Heist of All Time?

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The Bismarck Tribune: “A Bismarck woman says someone broke into her home, cooked some bacon and drank some beer… Bismarck Police Sgt. Mark Buschena said the 30-year-old woman… arrived home and smelled cooked bacon. She discovered that someone had broken her bedroom window and entered her home. The burglar used the microwave to cook bacon from her refrigerator and took three cans of Bud Light.

Again I have to ask, could this be the greatest heist of all time? I can’t believe that this woman had the gall to bring this case to the authorities.  How can they possibly narrow this one down? I’m almost positive you can’t live anywhere in the Midwest without a constant bodily aroma of bacon and beer. I see no conceivable way that this woman could even be mad. This guy is a modern day Robin Hood. He steals from the rich and gives to the needy, it just so happened that he was most in need of booze and breakfast meat at the time. While in all likelihood this guy was some hammered redneck who probably left a trail of puke and urine to and from the scene of the crime, part of me likes to imagine him as a masterful burglar. Like he has the skills to steal jewels from federal bank vaults, but chooses to break into peoples houses, drink their beer and cook their bacon. I can only hope to be so cunning one day.

Boston Might Die Tonight

  • It’s been an extremely weird day for me so far. The Red Sox are in position to claim the Commissioner’s Trophy tonight and I really don’t know what to make of things. I mean, any time your region’s sports team makes it to the championship of their respected sport, it’s a big fucking deal. It truly is. It’s something that happens once in a lifetime, but if you grew up in Massachusetts over the last decade or so, it’s something that occurs annually.
  • Boston affiliated sports franchises have reached the finals of their respected league 12 times in the last 12 years. To call that unprecedented would be a slap in the face. That statistic is utterly mind-blowing. It’s a fucking joke when you really think about it. In a nutshell, we’re spoiled to all hell.
  • With all of that said, this whole day has felt weird to me. There’s a sense of electricity in the air. I’ve nodded my head, given a high-five, and exchanged words with people on campus I never knew existed before today. It’s a remarkable thing when sports can transcend communal behavior. At the same time though, it can be downright scary.
  • In other words, if the Sox win tonight, Boston might literally be reduced to ashes. I’m expecting nothing less than complete and utter destruction. Menino easily has the military on speed-dial, and nothing against our armed forces, but it’s going to take more than a couple tanks and a few canisters of tear gas to repress a city flooded with liquor-fueled Bostonians. Believe me. Fear the Beards, indeed.

Male Pornstar HAS to be the Hardest Job in America…

  • So I was thinking about this the other day (don’t ask when or why). What is the plight of the male pornstar in our society? I assume it has to be one of the most incredibly difficult markets to succeed in for a number of reasons.
  • Like, how do you become a pornstar? I was selecting classes for my Spring semester yesterday and couldn’t find a 3 credit course for that shit anywhere. Do you need a resume? Not a traditional one obviously, but do you need to put together some Reggie Bush-type high school highlight reel or something?
  • I mean, how does the scouting process work? I’m assuming the porn industry consists of some rigidly structured farm system like it does in professional baseball. Just a bunch of dudes with absolute cranks working out and going through stretch routines somewhere in California or something.
  • The biggest thing I’ve wondered about the plight of the male pornstar is what life is like after porn. You essentially possess no real professional work experience. Unless of course, if you’re allowed put plumber, doctor, pool-boy, or personal trainer on your resume. I doubt that’s the case though.
  • With that said, I feel like every guy who breaks into the porn industry is there for life. Like, every dude on the planet is going to know who you are. It’s not like you can apply at some business because the guy hiring you has clearly watched you go to town on at least 50 different occasions. Like, as a reasonable business owner, how are you supposed to hire some dude who you’ve seen nude every morning for the last 10-15 years of your life? It’s awkward just thinking about it.
  • Maybe I’m just over-thinking things, but at least I’m thinking. People dismiss these warriors because what they do is considered immoral in the eye of the general public. People disregard them because they think with their balls rather than their brain. Maybe we’re the ones wrong here. Maybe we’re the ones who need to change. I just don’t know. God speed though, Johnny, God speed…

Cleaning solution: Not always the solution

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Fox News Tampa– “A 25-year-old man is facing child abuse charges after… spraying a 6-month-old baby with Windex, deputies said.

The Sarasota County Sheriff’s Office says Christopher Rounds may have been on the synthetic marijuana K2 when it happened.

 

To be completely fair to Mr. Rounds here, Windex needs to be more specific in advertising themselves as an “all-surface” cleaner. Sure, ole Chris here was on some crazy synthetic marijuana spice that singes your brain to the point where you think the only way to get rid of the invisible spiders crawling under your skin is to listen to Cee-Lo Green’s Christmas album on endless repeat, but that doesn’t mean he’s in the wrong here. I mean, how can Windex get away with going back on their word? Pretty sure baby pupils fall under the category of “all” surfaces. So Chris, I sympathize with you. Windex is putting millions of babies at risk with these absurdly vague labels. Plus, for the sake of efficiency, I honestly feel like you made the rational decision here. Your wife tells you the baby needs a bath. Football’s on. Windex. Done. FREE CHRIS ROUNDS!