This is Probably the Best Reporter FAIL of All Time

There are thousands of viral videos involving reporters that have come and gone but this one is absolutely mesmerizing. This one just stands out. This one has officially climbed its way into that elite, upper-echelon category of epic reporter implosions.

Like, what the fuck is even going on here? I have way too many questions…

What’s up with that women’s voice? Did she actually pass out? Can humans even pass out like that due to cold weather? Did she just fall backwards in slow fashion? Why did it take her so long to laugh it off?

The best part of the video is that solid 2 seconds when she’s on her back. She literally just lays there lifelessly and you know she just saw the YouTube view count souring. She was just laying there thinking, “It’s all over. I was a young, aspiring reporter looking to head into the new year with hope and now it’s all over because I passed out/slipped/I have no idea.

Black Monday The Best Holiday Around

Yesterday was officially the last regular season week of the NFL and it was one to write home about to say the least. Pittsburg missed a playoff birth via a 41 yard field goal miss and the Ghost of Tony Romo appeared during Kyle Orton’s last drive. Also, Green Bay finally clinched a playoff spot during the last minute of their season.

Although yesterday’s match ups were great and produced some stellar finishes, no hail mary pass or kickoff return can out-do Black Monday. Black Monday, which is the day following the last week of the regular season when all of the shitty NFL coaches get fired, is arguably the best/funniest day in all of sports.

It’s literally D-Day for anyone coaching a team less than .600. You either keep your job or go back to your hometown and coach your son’s Peewee team for the next few months. It’s that simple. It’s also the only day like this in professional sports.

In a way, Black Friday should extend beyond football. There should be one day of every year when everyone is literally on the hot seat. Just a day where God comes down to Earth and decides whether or not you’re expendable.

If you’ve had a good year; you stay. If you sat around your basement funneling Dr. Pepper and Bugles for the last 10 months; you’re gone. You just get kicked off Earth for a little while. Think about how productive we’d be?

I’m going to Start Wearing Perfume Because I’m a Genius

So I was in Macy’s the other day to return some borderline gay dress shirt/tie combo I bought last week and suddenly I had an epic epiphany. I was walking by all these women trying on perfume and I had the brain blast of the decade:

I’m going to start wearing women’s perfume…

Yep, you heard me right. I am going to start wearing women’s perfume because I’m a fucking genius and smarter than 99% of the population.

Think about it! Women love perfume. They love the smell of it so much that they’re literally willing to pepper themselves with it from head to toe. Men don’t wear women’s perfume because it makes them smell like a chick, but guess what? That’s exactly why men are stupid and I’m a god damn cynical mastermind.

I’ve already put it through a test run. I peppered myself with a spray or two the other day before going to the movies and my girlfriend went out of her way to mention that I smelled “great.”

Why? Because (most) humans instinctively want to smell as best as they can. The average individual always does his/her best to smell how they specifically want to smell.

With that said, choosing to smell exactly how women choose to smell is just thinking outside the box. I’m not suggesting to take it too far and start cross-dressing and shit but smelling like the opposite sex is definitely a step in the right direction.

Either that or I’m slowly turning gay…

I’m So Done With Subway It’s Not Even Funny

Fuck Subway, bro. I’m being dead serious right now. If there’s one corporation currently located on US territory that needs to die, it’s Subway. That company is a fucking disgrace. Just an all-around utterly abysmal establishment. Apolo Ohno is a clown and Jared could die in a car fire for all I care right now.

For those of you who don’t normally read the blog, I trash Subway on a weekly basis. There’s this Subway about a mile outside of my school that doesn’t participate in the $5 dollar foot-long promotion and, evidently, it’s because they’re a privately owned establishment and “don’t need to adhere to the corporate promotions.”

Honestly though, what the fuck does that even mean? You’re Subway! Just sack up and be Subway! Stop trying to hose people and cough up the extra 2 bucks; it’s ridiculous. Other companies don’t do that. I’ve never walked into a Burger King and had someone tell me they weren’t serving Whoppers because they’re an independent franchise. If you can’t handle national promotions then open a catering business or something.

Anyway, I walked into Subway earlier today and ordered the $5 dollar grilled chicken footlong because the Subway near me isn’t completely lost and upholds corporate offerings. However, when I get to the register, the woman rings me up for around $7.

I tell her that the sub was only $5, but then she tells me that, because I got ranch dressing on the sandwich, I’ve breached the promotional guidelines. THEN she hits me with the ringer: she tells me I “Should’ve read the guidelines.”

Like yeah, woman, I’m going to take the time to read the fucking Subway promotional guidelines before ordering a friggen sandwich. It was terrible, but like with everything else in this world, I just bent over, pulled out my wallet and handed her an extra 2 bucks for a few squirts of ranch.

DH Reviews: American Hustle

So before I even get into this review, I would just like to talk about how the local movie theatre line-up is a beast right now. I understand that Christmas is a heavy time for movies but Hollywood killed it this year.

Anyway, I’ve been waiting to see American Hustle for a while now. I love David O’Russell and the cast he selected was ridiculous. Just an all-out jail break for Oscar bids and everyone lit it up.

Christian Bale is reaching the point where I periodically refer to him as “The Great” Christian Bale and Bradley Cooper is one of those guys that you would trade your life and a couple 2nd round draft picks to be. Jeremy Renner was incredible too and it was refreshing to see him in a role where he wasn’t a complete psycho.

Amy Adams was great as well. You could never pin her down throughout the course of the film, which ultimately drove the plot. Furthermore, I’m pretty sure Jennifer Lawrence has Earth by the balls. She’s literally just toying with people right now and could probably win a bid for Senate if she made the attempt.

To be completely honest, the only problem I had with the movie was that it was too long. I have no problem with a movie that’s over 2 hours, but only if it needs to be. It look a little while for the movie to get really going and I found myself entertaining the suggestion that the movie could actually just end up being terrible for the first 30 minutes.

In a nutshell, the film was brilliant. The stereotypical nature of the film was so over the top that it worked and the soundtrack was amazing as well. Also, I’m pretty sure Amy Adams cleavage will be up for a nomination this year at the Academy Awards because it stole most of the scenes.

Rating: 9.27

People Who Buy Toys for Babies are Complete Idiots

 

If there’s one thing I’ll never understand, it’s giving a baby a toy for Christmas. I have 2 baby cousins and a couple toddler cousins as well and they all get these ridiculous toys every year.

First of all, the kid is way too young to acknowledge that gifts even exist. He or she has no idea what Christmas is and naturally won’t care if you just say “fuck it” and buy a couple pairs of overalls at the Gap.

With all things considered, toy companies that specifically focus on the ‘3 and under’ age demographic are pointless. In other words, there shouldn’t be a toy section located in Babies R’ Us. There’s no reason for it because babies don’t hold preferences in regards to what they hold onto and drool over.

For example, my baby cousin received about $50 worth of toys yesterday for Christmas and I don’t think he even gave a shit. He elected to spend the majority of the day aimlessly pointing at walls and seemed like he was having a god damn blast doing it.

He literally spent about an hour of his day opening and closing the DVD cabinet before continuously picking up and dropping a drink coaster for a clean 45 minutes. He didn’t even look at the gifts he opened.

So in a nutshell, anybody who buys a child under the age of three a toy from a store is an absolute sucker. Babies are programmed to have fun with anything. It’s like they’re constantly on acid or something. Either that or their brains are just undeveloped but I’m not a scientist.