So yeah, I just signed up for my final semester of intramural basketball and I was struck in the face with a realization. This is it for me. This is my last shot at glory. This is like that scene in the second Lord of the Rings when they guy utters “So it Begins” before the orcs reach the Two Towers. It’s my last fucking stand and I’m going to put it in a chokehold.
Everyone is aware of my last two decades of dominance in irrelevant sports. I was a shutdown corner in eighth-grade football, I literally batted through an entire softball season without failing to reach second base and I’m arguably the best backyard football quarterback/slot-reciever combo since Pablo Sanchez back in 99′. Those are just the facts.
Anyway, this year is my last shot at a basketball title and I’m pulling out all the stops. For starters, I bought a shooting sleeve because, well, shooting sleeves mean business. If you show up to the gym wearing a shooting sleeve, you best be ready to hang 30 points at the very minimum. I’m clearly capable, so why not?
Now I know what you’re saying. “Joe, you only averaged 8 points last year and only shot threes and blah, blah, blah.”
Listen, I understand that I haven’t put up monster numbers in the past but that’s because I’m a distributor at heart. Plus, I wasn’t in the right mindset. I took the entire year off from b-ball to get my head straight. It was kinda like when Jordan left the Bulls the first time. While you pussies were out wasting another year of your lives, I was in Looney Tune Land solidifying my mental game.
So that’s where I’m at right now. We got a good squad this year. We have a real ‘gritty’ thing going on right now and we’re definitely a team “built for the playoffs.” Can’t argue that right now. All that’s left is the whistle.
Stop the presses! Hold the phone! Do something to metaphorically halt whatever is currently occurring around you because Butterfinger just laid down some heat!
I walked into the convenience store today and came across these Butterfinger Peanut Butter Cups and almost went into cardiac arrest. I didn’t think it was possible to be honest. I didn’t think Butterfinger was capable of any more wizardry after the release of Butterfinger BB’s but they fucking pulled it off, yet again.
Everyone knows that the two greatest candy creations in existence are Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and Butterfinger bars. Everything else if for the birds as far as I’m concerned. With that said, I’m pretty sure some intern at Butterfinger finally figured it out, just said ‘fuck it,’ and threw out this absolute HOUSE of an idea at a board room meeting.
Sadly, I left my wallet at the house and didn’t have the funds to buy them but I just ordered about 1000 boxes of this shit on Amazon.
On a side note though, what the hell ever happened to Butter Finger BB’s? Those things were amazing. There’s no way they ceased production because nobody was buying them, right? There’s no way. I might start one of those petitions in order to get the vote to Congress or something. In the meantime, I’ll cope with my Butterfinger Peanut Butter Cups.
From: Maegan M**** [firstname.lastname@example.org]
Sent: Wednesday, January 01, 2014 10:11 PM
To: Romano, Joseph D.
Subject: Still Interested in the Internship?
Happy New Year! I wanted to touch base with you and see if you were still interested in the internship with WWE. I scheduled you for an interview but you did not show; however you did fill out the application the day before so I am wondering if you are OK.
Looking forward to hearing from you,
From: Romano, Joseph D.
Sent: Tuesday, January 28, 2014 1:42 PM
To: Maegan M****
Subject: RE: SERIOUS BUSINESS
I understand this e-mail is roughly 3 weeks overdue but it’s honestly been eating me away inside. After watching the Royal Rumble—which occurred on Sunday evening—I couldn’t take it anymore.
With all things considered, I’m writing this e-mail to you because I am appalled by your actions. I am nothing short of insulted, actually. You’re probably an incredibly nice, upstanding person, but I strongly suggest that you reevaluate how you deal with your applicants because I’m beginning to feel somewhat violated.
I am completely aware that I initially submitted forms contending that I was interested in possibly obtaining an internship within the WWE’s Social Media department, but that’s ONLY because I didn’t think someone with a fully developed brain would interpret that as a genuine request.
CLEARLY you aren’t affiliated with who I am, or for that matter, anything I stand for…
I don’t want an internship in the WWE’s social media department—that’s chump work. I’ll gauge my eyes out with shattered glass and give myself a colonoscopy with a screwdriver before I waste my days updating Facebook pages and editing stock footage.
Simply put, I want the TITLE. I want a God damn shot at the belt, Meagan. I want to be in the action and I already have an alias, as well as a finishing move.
I’m currently 5’9 and a MEAN 160 pounds (all muscle). I’m known for my brute strength but I can alter my burly physique in order to accommodate for a more high-flying style of wrestling.
Whatever Vince wants, Vince will get…
So in closing, I’m leaving the fate of the World Heavyweight Belt in your hands, Meagan. In your e-mails, you refer to yourself as a “Recruiter.” Assuming that you aren’t a complete con artist or a cheat, consider this e-mail your one-way ticket to pay raise.
Don’t blow it, Meagan—the future of the spanish announcer’s table depends on it…
Flawed “The Sonic Tectonic” Logic
So the talk of the town this past week within the realm of the NFL (outside Richard Sherman) has been the fact that the league is discussing possibly eliminating the extra-point. During the regular season, I remember reading an article where Bill Belichick mentioned that it wasn’t necessary, but Big Dick Bill has his own standards regarding logic and morality so I dismissed it. Now it’s becoming an issue.
When it comes down to it, I’ve never once heard someone complain about the extra-point. I’ve been watching football religiously for more than a decade, and to be brutally honest, I don’t think I’ve even watched an extra point in the last 5 years. I’m usually either suppressing the urge to throw a chair through the wall in the other room or high-fiving everyone in a mile radius of the couch.
The main justifications for eliminating it so far has been because it’s not exciting and they want to prevent injuries. Even though only about 3 people have been injured on an extra point in the last thousand years, I guess I can throw them a bone on that one – BUT – saying you’re getting rid of the extra-point to make the game more exciting is fucking ridiculous.
If you want to make the game more exciting, stop preventing the defense from playing defense. I almost fell over in my chair after some pass interference calls this year. I’m all for player safety, but when you’re implementing rules that prevent football players from playing football, there’s a problem.
So I understand that the Richard Sherman interview happened last Sunday but I thought it would blow over in a day or two so I didn’t comment. With that said, it hasn’t, which means I have to throw my two cents in the ring once again (naturally).
I understand that this particular take has been beaten into the ground by virtually every blogger on the planet, but I fucking loved his post-game interview. Absolutely couldn’t get enough of it. I can’t believe all of these blowhards coming on ESPN and talking about how terrible of an act it was and stuff. The guy said what was on his mind. Deal with it.
To clear things up, I’m not even a huge Richard Sherman guy either. I love trash talking in sports, but I’m not a fan of how he goes about doing it. I loved guys like Reggie Miller, Larry Bird and Jordan because when they did it, it was much more discrete. Obviously there are glaring exceptions (Miller grabbing his balls), but for the most part, those guys would just look you in the eyes and basically tell you why they were better than you. Sherman prances around the secondary waving his arms like an idiot and flamboyantly swearing at everyone within a 2 mile radius of his island. It’s entertaining, but not my style.
With that said, I’m getting sick of this whole political correctness thing in sports. These guys grow up in environments where you’re basically encouraged to vocally clean someone out if you beat them. That’s what they do. That’s what got them there. You can’t force them to pretentiously compliment someone who they just spent the last two hours trying to concuss on an out-route.
The only thing I have a problem with is that Sherman is trying to defend himself by not only apologizing, but saying that he didn’t start it. Like bro, CLEARLY you fucking started it. When Reggie Miller claimed he didn’t start it, he’d throw this smirk on his face because he clearly wanted everyone to know that he’s completely lying. Sherman actually wants us to believe he was innocent in this whole situation. Long story short: if you’re going to be a douche, be a fucking douche. Don’t apologize and blame it on someone else. We all know it’s you so just play that card and head into the BYE week.
PS The last thing I want to say is how I hate how Sherman plays the Stanford card whenever people question him. He always tries to use four syllable words in interviews in a pretentious attempt to rid himself of the “thug” stereotype. Like, we get it; you went to Stanford. Good for you. I’m not saying he’s not a smart guy because clearly he’s dealing with a full deck of cards, but to be completely honest, it’s difficult to fail out of college when your making the university millions of dollars on a football field.
Normally I don’t comment about anything in regards to politics, but on some rare occasions, I tend to digress a little. This is one of those occasions where I NEED to throw my two cents in the ring. I’m talking about this recent video surfacing of Michelle Obama and the Miami Heat.
For all the criticism that the Obamas take, I must say that they’re pretty likable from a person-to-person basis. Unlike past families, they seem a bit more ordinary. For starters, they have kids. Secondly, although Obama absolutely sucks at basketball, I can take solace in the fact that he actually stays up to date on sports. I understand that being affiliated with the various happenings in professional sports isn’t necessarily a desired characteristic of a US president, but at least it shows he’s not some complete stick.
As for this video in particular, I have a few things to say. First of all, is it just me or are the Miami Heat always hanging out at the White House? I feel like they’re there every week. Just chilling in the living room eating shitloads of fruit because they can.
Secondly, and most importantly, Michelle Obama absolutely THREW DOWN that dunk. Absolutely sauced that shit right in Lebron’s grill mix. That was vintage, early-2000’s Vince Carter and I’m only half-kidding when I say that. I mean, did Laura Bush ever toss down the rock like that? Does Hilary Clinton even know what posterizing is? I don’t think so. Michelle Obama for the takedown.