Thicke’s Officially Off the Leash… Somebody Hit The Panic Button!!!

People: Paula Patton and Robin Thicke are ending their longtime marriage… “We will always love each other and be best friends, however, we have mutually decided to separate at this time,” the couple tell PEOPLE on Monday in an exclusive statement”

I hate to say it because I felt like these two were as compatible as can be but there isn’t a human being on this planet that should be surprised by this. Immediately after the wedding vows, everyone sorta felt as if the fix was in; after Blurred Lines came out, it was all over.

It was a good ride though. Paula and Thicke City even managed to procreate so I guess their marriage wasn’t a complete loss. They at least left us with Julien Fuego, who by the way, might smash every Grammy record in the books when it’s all said and done.

All that being said, there’s no way that Thicke re-marries. There isn’t a chance in hell that someone’s going to roll the dice while Thicke is still piping hot. The dude’s been on a 10-year bender and I don’t think there’s a vagina on this planet capable of changing that at this point. Why play a game you know you can’t win, right?

On another note though, this breakup is nothing but good news when you really think about it. Thicke was a God damn wrecking ball when he was tied down. Can you imagine the chaos that’s going to erupt now that he’s off the leash? It’s going to be like that scene in The Sandlot when “The Beast” finally hops the fence. There’s nothing you can do except hide and pray he doesn’t sniff you out.

PS.  On a side note, I just got offered free tickets to see Thicke play at BU on March 4th. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to make the commute, but after hearing about this breakup, I kind of have to go, right? I honestly think he might shut down Boston before midnight so I’d have to get there early.

I’m Actually Starting to Get Sick of the Lebron Haters

I can’t even believe I’m about to say this. If someone told me two years ago that I’d be publicly supporting Lebron James via blog post, I’d tell that person that they’d gone mad.

Before last season, I hated Lebron James more than any other athlete that’s walked this Earth. It was to the point where I wanted to see him lose more than I wanted to see the Celtics win. Everything about him bothered me, and although I’ve changed my outlook on the situation, I won’t go as far as to say I wasn’t justified in how I used to think.

With that said, I’m getting sick of everyone on social media ripping into Lebron for his Mount Rushmore comment. When I first read the headline, I didn’t even look at the story. As the week progressed, I kept seeing headlines regarding his comments all over the Internet until I finally looked into what he actually said.

How is what Lebron said a problem?!? Why is that controversy?!?

First of all, the “Mount Rushmore” argument is idiotic. There’s absolutely NO correct answer. Choosing the top 4 players in NBA history is like having to choose 2 out of 3 of your own children. Outside of Jordan, the field is WIDE OPEN.

That being said, what’s the problem here? Jordan, Magic, Bird, and Robertson aren’t bad players. They were actually pretty good when they played if my memory serves me correct. You can’t please everyone regarding this argument, and to be honest, it’s hard to please anyone with this argument so what’s the point of even debating?

And yeah, (as much as it pains me to say it) Lebron’s on my Mount Rushmore after he retires unless he doesn’t win another championship.

The Winter Olympics are Actually Pretty Cool

So for the past week, I’ve been watching (like everyone else) the Olympics down in Sochi. For all the shit Russia took in the weeks leading up to the events, I must say that I haven’t heard much since they began.

With that said, the Winter Olympics is actually pretty cool when you think about it. It’s literally just a revolving door of random competitions that you’re guaranteed never to see again until 2018.

Like, who the hell came up with that event where you have to cross country ski while periodically stopping to shoot targets with a rifle? How about Skeleton? Hell, do you know any good short-track speed skaters in your neighborhood? Probably not, but that’s exactly why these events are the shit.

When you turn on the Superbowl or the NBA Finals, you’re seeing actual athletes– people who have spent their entire lives being athletic, popular, and damn near perfect. When you watch the Olympics, you’re watching a bunch of scrubs throwing it all on the line.

I watched some speed skater chick take a digger yesterday about 12 seconds into her race. That’s 4 years of blood, sweat, and tears flushed down the toilet in less than half a minute. You want intensity? That’s intensity.

On a final note, I would just like to announce that I have dead seriously been watching/following curling over the past week. I can tell you what teams to look out for and I even know a couple of the athletes at this point. It’s pathetic, but it’s my life.

This Guy Who Drew Pictures of Himself on Different Drugs is a Bum

TheChive: “Artist Bryan Lewis Saunders conducted a bizarre experiment. For several weeks, he took a different drug every day and made a portrait of himself under the influence”

So I saw a couple people share this link on my Facebook page yesterday and I just needed to say something. This is just a prime example of why I believe around 87% of what you find on the internet is complete and utter bullshit.

I don’t want to go as far as to claim that this guy is a shitty artist (I don’t know how “art” works), but the people who believe this dude actually spent a month painting himself on a new drug everyday don’t deserve a standardized high-school diploma just yet.

First of all, there’s no way someone would be able to function–let alone draw– a picture of themselves if they were on some of the drugs he listed. Like, does this guy honestly expect me to believe that he was capable of illustrating himself while on morphine? It’s morphine for God sakes! They give that stuff to you in order to knock you out…

Anyway, I was scrolling through the comment section and stumbled upon this gem:

Just a classic example of Wes coming in hot and taking us for a boat ride on the river of knowledge. Apparently, “we” just don’t know art I guess. Keep doing you, Wes, keep doing you…

ZIMMERMAN v DMX Is My Secret Belated Xmas Gift

CNN: “Seems like the former neighborhood watchman has found yet another way to remain in the public limelight… This time, he’ll be stepping into a boxing ring to fight rapper DMX… Zimmerman said the celebrity boxing match was his idea. Boxing was his hobby, he told Radar Online last month, even prior to the ‘incident'”

Just when life starts to become boring, dull, or even pointless, something like this comes around. It’s the fight of the century for God sakes.

Although every sophisticated bone in my body is telling me not to watch the fight because its a disgusting display of exploitation involving someone who (allegedly) murdered a 7-year-old boy, I’m still fucking human so of course I’m going to watch the fight. Hell, I’ll pay for this sucker if ESPN gets all politically correct and refuses to air it on cable.

If I had to choose, my money’s on DMX. That guy is honestly the most mentally unstable individual to ever walk this Earth. Dude literally tries his absolute hardest to get in trouble with the law and then blames it on the Illuminati #Respect

Although I’m throwing the mortgage on DMX; IMAGINE if Zimmerman pulls out a win. Imagine if he came through the jumbotron rocking a hooded sweatshirt and bumping Ruff Riders Anthem and then knocked DMX on his back in the early seconds of the first round? It would be the most villainous thing of all-time.

Then they’d have to get another rapper to fight him. Either that or Al Sharpton would have to come out of the bullpen. Hell, he should fight OJ, Casey Anthony, and Sandusky, too. Zimmerman’s clearly down so if we’re going through with it, we might as well go balls-to-the-wall, right?

PS  They BETTER not wear that padded headgear. I might not even watch if they do because that’s just pathetic.

PSS  HBO BETTER do a 24/7 build-up to this.

Superbowl Sunday Is Here, People!!!

Today’s the day. Today is officially Superbowl Sunday and there’s no one on this Earth more excited to watch the Patriots stomp out Seattle than me.

Everybody counted us out when we lost Welker, Hernandez, Lloyd, and basically anyone on last year’s team who was capable of latching their fingers around a spiral. Everyone counted us out when we lost Wilfork, Mayo, Kelly, Solder, and Gronk to season-ending injuries. Hell, everyone even counted us out when we lost to the Broncos in the AFC Championship game 2 weeks ago, but guess what? The Patriots are back in the Superbowl once again, baby.

This time it’s the Seahawks and I’m headed to my buddy’s annual Superbowl Fiesta for the second year in a row. It’s already become a tradition in my eyes but I’m still uncertain how I’m going to go into this thing.

For starters, they’re all Jewish and I don’t know how Jews roll on the Superbowl. I know they all sit in a circle and drink the blood of the youngest born child on Hanukkah and shit but the Superbowl is a whole different story. In other words, I’m keeping my hands in my pockets and leaving my Catholic ancestry back at my dorm room.

Secondly, another tradition we have is floor-hockey during halftime. For those who’ve never played, floor hockey is probably the most ruthless demonstration of competitive engagement ever witnessed.

Last year, I nearly checked my buddy’s younger brother (who’s about 17) through the dry wall. And you know what? I’ll do it again. Take this as a warning. If there’s one thing that isn’t happening tonight, it’s me losing in floor hockey. I’ve worked too hard for this. It’s do or die come Bruno Mars.