Bill Murray is Honestly the Coolest Human Being Ever

Bleacher Report:Actor Bill Murray, who is in Jacksonville, Fla. playing in a golf tournament, showed off some incredible PBR pants Thursday morning

Throughout my life, I’ve been asked a lot of great, thought-provoking questions. One of my favorite questions to answer normally reads as follows:

“If you could switch places with anyone else in the world, who would it be?”

I love this question for one reason, and one reason alone: it’s BAR NONE the easiest metaphorical question I’ve ever responded to in my entire life; it’s not even close, really.

THE answer is Bill Murray. Hands down; no one even comes close. Sure, I at least entertained a few other names—Robin Thicke, Tom Brady, Bradley Cooper, Justin Timberlake; however, choosing anyone other than Bill Murray is nothing short of blasphemous.

For starters, the guy won an Emmy for Saturday Night Live and has earned a Best Actor nomination for Lost in Translation; not to mention he starred in some of the greatest comedic masterpieces of our time—Caddyshack, Ghostbusters, Groundhog Day.

Furthermore, even when Bill Murray isn’t the star of the show, he still is. Just look at Space Jam or Zombieland for God sakes. Space Jam (although one of the greatest cinematic endeavors of all time) wouldn’t have had the impact it did without Murray’s contributions; specifically, the scene where he drops arguably the greatest line in cinematic history. Additionally, I don’t even think Zombieland (although Woody Harrelson is the man) would’ve even made the box office if it wasn’t for Murray’s 3-minute cameo. It was arguably one of the funniest scenes I’ve ever watched.

Furthermore, although Murray hasn’t been the cinematic bulldozer he once was, the guy still manages to make the front page of TMZ every other week for, well, just being the ABSOLUTE MAN. For instance, those PBR pants are downright diabolical. I can’t even fathom the amount of pussy Murray was swimming in at that tournament.

In closing, Bill Murray (when it’s all said and done) might be the coolest human being of all time. He’s easily in the lead right now, at least. I mean, God deserved a pay-raise after he threw that guy on Earth because it was BY FAR his best work yet. Keep cooking em’ up God and we’ll keep appreciating them. Death, taxes, Bill Murray being the fucking man…

People Saying March Madness Takes Skill Need to Go to Bed…

It’s officially that time of year: March Madness is officially upon us, and with Day 1 officially wrapped up, it’s safe to say my bracket—along with 98% of everyone else’s bracket—is already fucked; not completely fucked, but there’s no chance I’m taking home anything this year.

To be honest, I didn’t even have that bad of a day. In fact, I had a pretty good day. I “called” Dayton and Harvard’s upsets over Ohio State and Cincinnati, as well as Pittsburg’s shellacking of Colorado; however, whiffed on North Dakota State, as well as Saint Louis—who miraculously pushed the game into OT after trailing by roughly 7 points in the closing minute of regulation.

All in all, I swept the South and East regions, but got manhandled everywhere else. Not a bad day’s work for a guy with very little insight regarding the competitive landscape of this year’s college basketball season.

With all things considered though, filling out a successful March Madness bracket—like Fantasy Football—is predicated exclusively on luck. Anyone who says otherwise is either:

a.) Desperately attempting to justify a bachelor’s degree in broadcast journalism.
b.) A pretentious dickhead.

When you think about it, there’s a reason for Selection Sunday; there’s a reason why experts have been sorting through shooting percentages, defensive statistics, and win/loss totals since last November; there’s a reason for those little superscripts next to every eligible team’s designation.

It’s because—according to the people who dedicate their entire existence to college basketball—that’s how the bracket should ultimately turn out; those are the teams that, most sensibly, should win the tournament.

Therefore, anyone who claimed they “called” Dayton beating Ohio State means only one of three things: they’re excruciatingly biased, they don’t know what they’re talking about, or they’re extraordinarily conceited. I’ll accept nothing else…

You disagree? Okay, that’s fine. I can’t argue such a logic; however, allow me to mention something: the folks at ESPN decided to base an entire bracket using rats. They created a maze, placed a bunch of rats in it, and selected teams based on which rats escaped the maze first. As of right now, the “rat bracket” is sitting on 15 wins and 1 loss—a record that places the rats in the top .2 percent of brackets on ESPN’s server. Just saying…

Update (click to enlarge):

Screen Shot 2014-03-21 at 2.53.23 PM

Actually, fuck everything I said about luck…

Fred Phelps Died and I Have No Idea Why People Are Shitting On Him

CNN: “Fred Phelps — the founding pastor of a Kansas church known for its virulently anti-gay protests at public events, including military funerals — has died, the church said Thursday…In a statement Thursday, the church chided the ‘world-wide media’ for ‘gleefully anticipating the death'”

So yeah, Fred Phelps has officially kicked the bucket and (as expected) the Internet is going absolutely BONKERS. I’m pretty sure Twitter just fractured its own spine and every toothless jackass with a laptop and Internet access is chirping about how this dude sucks—as well as how the world is a better, less iniquitous place and blah, blah, blah.

In all honesty, I can’t find a reason to hate the guy; not because I don’t want to, but because I’m smarter than that.

I’m not one of those pretentious liberals who are spewing their whole “eye for an eye” bullshit, but I do have an explanation for why I believe picketing this guy’s funeral is the worst thing you can do.

With all things considered, Fred Phelps is one of the evilest people of all time. If there was a hall-of-fame for moralistic depravity, this dude would’ve been a first-ballot inductee, hands down. He was honestly so hate-able that I can draw only one conclusion: he LOVED being hate-able.

That being said, the very worst thing we as a society can do is to hate him. If everyone on the Internet sent our most sincere condolences to the church, it would confuse the living hell out of them to the point that their heads would collectively combust—think about it:

You spend your whole life being loathed, and suddenly when your idol dies, everyone is sympathetic for the loss? You would literally spiral into purgatory; thus, I don’t see why every one is so happy.

By the way, check out this comment I found on the CNN article (click to enlarge):

Screen Shot 2014-03-20 at 1.37.52 PM

Talk about a closet case, huh? Preceding things that aren’t gay with “I’m not gay” is arguably the gayest thing you can do…