Ranking the Worst Insurance Spokespersons

If there’s one industry that consistently produces the most insufferable advertising campaigns, it’s the insurance industry. Between Flo from Progressive, Jake from State Farm, The GIECO lineup, and that AllState Mayhem Guy, I don’t think you can even argue that another industry comes close—except for maybe anti-smoking companies.

In an effort to synthesize (and possible make sense of) my frustration, I’ve decided to rank the top insurance company spokesperson according to how much I want them dead.

The AllState Mayhem Guy:

The AllState Mayhem Guy is BY FAR the least hateable mainstream insurance spokesperson in America right now. In fact, I think I actually like this guy to an extent. His delivery is smooth and his jawline could cut cinderblocks. Also, his commercials run at a far less annoying rate compared to the others on this list so I’m giving the AllState Mayhem Guy a pass on this one.

Jake from State Farm:

Like the AllState Mayhem Guy, Jake from State Farm doesn’t bother me as much as he should; however, he’s on this list for a reason. I’ve seen this commercial 4-5 times a day for the last 5 years or so and I’m starting to lose sleep because of it. I no longer can help waking up at 2 AM, staring at my cell phone, and contemplating hitting up Jake from State Farm because it seems like the only viable option at that point. Death, taxes, Jakes from State Farm.

The GIECO Conglomerate:

With all other insurance companies considered, GEICO remains an enigma because of the sheer number of spokespersons they’ve rolled out over the last few years—the Gecko, the Cavemen, the Rhetorical Questions Guy, the money with eyes, and the Pig. Out of all these spokespersons, I think the Cavemen line bothered me the most because those commercials lasted the longest. The first one was sort of funny; the 50th one was about as funny as Vietnam. What made it worse was that FOX even tried to make a sitcom out of the concept and it dive-bombed after about 3 episodes…

Flo from Progressive:

This was an easy one for me because I don’t think there’s a human on planet Earth that I hate more than Flo from Progressive. It’s been a few years since Progressive started using Flo and I’ve yet to receive any sort of compensation for the emotional distress she’s caused me over the years. I mean, she’s literally everywhere: on the TV, on the radio, on website advertisements, etc. I can’t stand it! If you’re going to make the face of your insurance company someone with a face as punchable as Donald Sterling, at least have the decency to limit their exposure. It’s getting to the point where I would rather experience a colonoscopy while engulfed in flames than listen to Flo moan some song about the Name Your Price Tool.

This Landon Donovan Situation Is Starting to Tick Me Off

Before I begin, let me preface this blog by confirming that I—like 90% of the American population—barely know anything about soccer. I played when I was younger and even “earned” a few trophies but the majority of my soccer knowledge is derived exclusively through playing FIFA. That said, this whole Landon Donovan situation is a joke.

I understand that your primary objective as a coach is to put your team in the best situation to win, but does cutting Landon Donovan really change anything? I’m not a hardcore Landon Donovan guy or anything but (outside of Tim Howard) he’s the only guy I’ve heard of on the US team. Hell, he’s literally the only dude featured in all of the commercials. You know how much money you’re losing by cutting this guy?

Furthermore, apparently Donovan WHEELS in the World Cup. I just read some article talking about how he’s struck net in 5 of his last 12 World Cup matches and has more goals than Messi, Ronaldo, Ibrahimovich, and Rooney combined—and according to my FIFA knowledge, those guys are pretty good.

Also, and most importantly, the US team sucks! They blow! On top of that, we managed to yank the most competitive opening round in the whole tournament a.k.a. we aren’t leaving the first round. That said, who cares if Donovan plays or not. At the very worst, the guy sells a few jerseys, adds a veteran spark off the pine, and gets to play in Brazil in what would be his last World Cup ever. I just don’t see how someone could take that away from him…

The “Bud Light Guy” Looks Like An Asshole

So for some reason or another, the line of Bud Light commercials that first appeared during the Super Bowl (featuring that “Up For Whatever” guy) are still in rotation and I honestly don’t know why. I guess running these commercials are better than exclusively advertising that your beer is cold—like what Coors Light does—but I’ll get to my point.

Out of all the people they could’ve chose for this line of commercials, did they really have to choose this guy? I’m not going to go out on a limb and say he’s an asshole, but at the same time, I’m going to go out on a limb and say he’s an asshole.

Between the v-neck, the douchebag haircut, and the fact he showed up to the club alone, I don’t think there’s a bigger asshole on planet Earth than this guy. That said, I don’t know him so I can’t jump to conclusions—even though that’s all I do on this site.

This Is Easily The Smoothest Baseball Fan In The Country Right Now

So in the fifth inning of last night’s Red Sox/Blue Jays game, the man I will now refer to as “Joe Cool” exposed himself to the world. I have no idea who this guy is but get him a pair of PF Flyers and send him to the batting cage because he may be pumping the hardest wrist game in the stratosphere right now.

Normally when a ball goes into the stands, you see one of two things: either everyone within three rows turns away and covers their face -or- everyone within three rows overzealously lunges at their opportunity at a free souvenir. In this situation, neither of those two things happened.

“Joe Cool” literally vacuumed that ball like he had it on a string; it was almost as if he knew it was coming three innings before and had time to physically/mentally prepare. Nothing was stopping him from nonchalantly opening his palm and ripping away all hope from that smoke show to the right of him. Not on “Joe Cool’s” watch…

P.S.  There’s no chance this dude didn’t go home with both of those girls last night. Not even a snowball’s chance…

This Michael Sam Documentary Is A Bad Call For Both Sides

So over the last week or so, Michael Sam—who recently became the first openly-gay athlete to be drafted by an NFL franchise—announced he would be teaming up with Oprah to conduct a reality series on his life. I waited on providing commentary because I wanted to see whether or not the Rams organization would slam the lid on this thing before it could manifest—which they did.

In my opinion, this move benefits both parties. The fact that Michael Sam became the first openly-gay athlete to be drafted into the NFL is a huge accomplishment and should be treated as so; however, turning this dude’s achievement into somewhat of a publicity stunt is utterly ridiculous. Not to downplay what he’s done thus far, but the guy had a borderline horrific combine and there’s a decent chance he won’t even make the opening day roster.

I said the same thing when RG3 got drafted. All that guy did was talk about how he was focused on football even though he was ripping through commercial deals like a fat kid ripping through whoopee pies. Hell, he even made a commercial where he looks into the camera and talks about how hard he works “when the cameras are off.” Like bro, the cameras aren’t off; you’re doing a f*cking commercial…

So anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is that being the first openly-gay NFL player is an incredible achievement considering the culture of the NFL, but making a reality show with Oprah—who I’m pretty sure couldn’t accurately define what a first down is—isn’t the best way to win over your teammates. In other words, if you don’t want your sexuality to be a major deal, don’t place it at the forefront of your identity. Focus on making the team first.

Bill Nye HAS to be the Most Frustrated Person on Earth

So Bill Nye appeared on CNN the other day and argued a bunch of toothless morons about global warming—who it’s effecting, why it’s important, and (insert whatever you interpreted from that video). Although Nye was particularly frustrated in this debate, it isn’t the first Bill Nye video that’s gone viral recently; in fact, Nye’s been pulling the trigger on seemingly everyone for the last couple years:

First, there was that video he made about how creationism isn’t appropriate for children in 2012; then, a slew of panel arguments at various news outlets; and most recently, a public debate with that weird-looking Ken Ham guy. In other words, it’s safe to say Nye’s kept busy since his show ended in the late ’90s.

That being said, Bill Nye has to be the most frustrated human being on planet Earth—there’s no other person I’ll accept aside from maybe Tom Coughlin or Billy Ray Cyrus. Think about it: Bill Nye’s existence has been reduced to discussing scientific controversies with people who wholeheartedly couldn’t differentiate a beaker from a fire extinguisher; furthermore, the people he’s arguing with are SOO SURE they’re right that it’s impressive.

Imagine devoting your whole life to empirical experimentation and formulaic research, only to have some douchebag call you a “science bully” because you’re vocally demonstrating what experts in your field have spent the last century researching. I’d assume you’d be pretty frustrated…

P.S. That has to be the first instance where Bill Nye—or anyone in the field of science—has been accused of bullying, right? In a way, you have to chalk that up to a win for chemistry majors everywhere.