People Who Always Say The Book’s Better Than The Movie Are The WORST

So in classic “me” fashion, I just started watching Game of Thrones. All I’ve heard over the last few months is how incredible it is and how it’s arguably the best hour of everyone’s week and blah blah blah. So far I’m about 3 episodes in and—although I don’t have a clue what the fuck is going on half the time—I think it’s pretty good. The midget dude is an absolute beast but I could care less if everyone else dies in a car fire at this point.

Anyway, after doing some Twitter and Facebook research on the show, I’ve learned that it was based on a series of books, which immediately made me regret ever watching an episode because I know it’s an inevitability that I’m going to run into the people who always feel the need to assert that the book was better than the movie/show.

On a real note, is there a worse group of people on planet Earth than the “book was better than the movie” people?

Let me get one thing straight here: the only reason people ever say that the book was better than the movie/show is because they just want you to know they read the book. That’s about it. They just want to sit on their elitist literature throne and try their best to ruin your experience because they know you’ll never go out of your way to crush 1000 pages of whatever bullshit you’re currently watching.

For example, all I heard from people after I watched Lone Survivor was that the movie was exaggerated and wasn’t factually accurate. Like yeah bro, it probably WAS exaggerated and it probably WASN’T accurate because it was a fucking movie. I respect the hell out of our troops because I’m way too big of a pussy to go through what they go through on a regular basis but I wholeheartedly don’t care how much Hollywood stuck to the actual story. I just want to see Mark Wahlberg pack dips in the woods and hose down middle eastern dudes with an assault rifle for two hours.

So now, whenever people tell me that they’re reading something, I immediately tell them that if Hollywood were to adapt it into a film, it would absolutely crush the book because books never exaggerate enough on all the cool stuff.

P.S.  I always tell people that The Cat In The Hat or The Lorax was a better book than movie because, well, I can…

People Who Hate on Pro Wrestling Need To Leave My Life Right Now

So a couple of my friends asked me if I wanted to hit up a WWE event in Connecticut this Monday and, well, I’m not going to say no…

I haven’t followed professional wrestling in about a decade but I used to riot for that shit. Back in the day, I was probably one of the biggest WWF fans around; mainly because the Attitude Era in the late ’90s was absolutely BONKERS. The Rock might’ve been my favorite human being on planet Earth and if you didn’t like Stone Cold then, well, you didn’t like America…

Anyway, thinking about this whole trip brought me to one of my biggest pet peeves: people who hate on professional wrestling. Why do I have such a problem with these people, you ask? Because if you don’t like wrestling, then you don’t like entertainment in its purest form—it’s basically a soap opera for dudes. I’m so sick of these bloated hacks who always feel the need to point out that it’s fake and scripted. Like yeah bro, of course it’s scripted; so is Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones, True Detective, and the NBA. The only difference is that, with wrestling, it’s socially acceptable to manhandle repulsive amounts of cheap beer and watch roid heads get hurled off ladders and thrown through tables.

So to all those anti-wrestling guys: blindfold yourself and walk through an intersection. I’m going to Raw this upcoming Monday and I don’t care if the arena is going to reek of body odor, poor decisions, and virginity; I plan on having a blast. Who knows? I might even throw on face paint and Stunner someone through a Spanish Announcer’s table at some point. We’ll just have to see…

ESPN’s New SportsCenter Set Is Definitely Interesting…

In other news, I was watching the end of the Mexico/Croatia match earlier today and after ESPN concluded their post game wrap-up with Alexi Lalas and [insert foreign dude who flat out can’t speak English], they threw the coverage back down to Bristol and I spit Ramen noodles all over my keyboard. I guess SportsCenter decided to throw everyone a curveball and completely revolutionize their set design.

So naturally, instead of formulating my own opinion, I sprang to the Internet to see what the popular consensus was on the change and obviously everybody on Facebook and Twitter hates it. Why? Because it’s social media and, for some reason, Internet access instantly turns people into walking dickheads. I understand that hating on anything new is always what the general public chooses to do but I’m on the fence on this one.

On one hand, the new set design is absolutely ridiculous—If ESPN decided to spray-paint Linda Cohn blue, I would’ve thought I was watching Avatar. On the other hand though, I’m not sure how well this is going to go over on the weekends. There is an overwhelming amount of shit going on and I’m not sure that my mind would be able to process it following a night of cheap beer and USA chants. On Sunday morning, I’m trying to relax and watch a couple highlights; I’m not trying to experience a Kevin Negandhi induced seizure and ESPN is dangerously flirting with that line right now…

What’s The Greatest Party Day Of All Time?

So I was a talking to some coworkers the other day and a pretty awesome question arose: If you could choose any party in history to attend for a full day, where and when would you choose? So basically, a lot of good ones were mentioned like the 1980 Miracle on Ice, NYC Blackout, and Y2k—all of which are valid. But when it comes down to it, I’m pretty sure I nailed it again on this one.

For me at least, I’ve always wanted to see what life was like during the 1700’s in New England. That time period just seems awesome to me. Everything from the wardrobes to the cobblestone streets to the wooden teeth looked awesome. That said, my original pick was the Boston Tea Party because I can’t think of anything that would be funner than getting plastered, sneaking onto a herd of ships and launching barrels of tea into the ocean in the name of bald eagles and pickup trucks. Then, I thought of a better one…

The greatest party day in the history of the US was without a doubt the first July 4th in 1776. The inaugural Independence Day must’ve been absolutely BANANAS. I thought my college went nuts when our hockey team reached the Frozen Four, but after really thinking about it, that’s nothing compared to the amount of chaos that would erupt after establishing a fucking country. Boston must’ve been a complete and utter shit show and Sam Adams probably made a KILLING that day.

On a side note though, if the British were smart, they would’ve just re-attacked Boston the day after we signed the Declaration. Everyone would’ve been way too drunk to really do anything and our “country” would’ve been reduced to ash in less than a day.

PS. Check out that picture above absolute rager in the picture above. Keg City, huh?

Is Donald Sterling Secretly A Genius?

I’ve been trying to hide it for the last week or so but I can’t anymore. At this point in time, I am so #TeamSterling it hurts. The dude is an absolute wrecking ball right now and anything he chooses to do in the upcoming weeks has my full support.

Just to clarify: I don’t agree with anything Sterling says or thinks; however, I’m not going to stand here as a forthright American and act like the last month of this saga hasn’t been the most entertaining news fiasco of the year. Sterling has literally flipped this entire situation on its head and I’m starting to think he’s a genius in a weird sort of way.

I mean, there are hundreds of cases like this that emerge throughout the year and they all fit a similar narrative:

  • White dude says something stupid.
  • Facebook and Twitter explode and the Internet subsequently snaps in half.
  • White dude stands behind a podium, starts crying, and apologizes for his actions.
  • White dude begins contrived PR campaign.
  • Everyone still hates him.

That’s how the narrative normally works; that’s not how this narrative has worked. Sterling has flipped the script in roughly 50 different ways since the initial recordings came out about a month ago and, with all things considered, I can’t say it hasn’t worked.

Instead of apologizing, Sterling continued to remind the general public that Magic Johnson has AIDS; instead of conducting a PR campaign, Sterling refused to sell the Clippers, then agreed to sell the Clippers, and then refused to sell the Clippers before not really knowing what he wanted to do with the Clippers. And now he’s basically suing EVERYONE within a 30-mile radius of his estate.

And you know what? People aren’t even talking about him as a racist anymore. Everyone on the Internet just thinks this guy is a complete clown right now. It’s to the point where you can’t even take him serious anymore, which brings up the question: Would you rather be viewed as a racist or a complete clown? I’d take clown every day of the week and twice on Sunday; hence my claim that he’s secretly a genius…

That Win Yesterday Was BONKERS!!!

So before I get completely carried away and start jinxing the hell out of our country, I need to post my blog-ly disclaimer: everything I know about soccer is derived from my playing days—from pre-k to about 2nd grade—and Xbox; thus, I can’t speak intelligently about the World Cup.

I can, however, still express opinion and I have a weirdly good feeling about this squad. I’ve had this feeling for a couple weeks now and I’m also starting to see a strange buzz for US soccer that didn’t exist the last couple years. Although no one gives a shit about the sport, the nationalism is there.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I understand that I have a better chance of hitting the lottery while being struck by lightning than the US does winning the World Cup; nevertheless, I’m feeling a decent run out of these guys.

Everything just seems to be falling place: the greatest US soccer player of all-time gets snipped from the roster, Klinsmann comes out in an interview and basically tells our country we blow at soccer, and Jose Altidore—who seemingly hadn’t scored since the Bush administration—spits out a 2 goal performance in a friendly against Nigeria. Plus, our team is apparently loaded with young dudes.

Then yesterday, Dempsey just has a field day. The dude scores before I can adjust myself to the couch, gets his nose reduced to pudding, and comes back into the game to see John Brooks—who was thrown to the wolves at halftime—head one into the nylon to snag a quick W. Unbelievable finish and the bar I was at went BANANAS.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that, although I know the US will get bounced sooner or later, I’m taking full opportunity of this World Cup. It’s red, white, and blue all day for the next week or so…

PS  How annoying are the people who call everyone out on social media for only caring about soccer once every four years. Like shut up, bro, get off your high horse.