#HotDudeOfTheWeek: The Inaugural Hot Dude Of The Week

So I’ve been trying to think of a few good running blogs I could start doing for the site because I need more content but I don’t want to exclusively rely on current events for inspiration, nor do I feel comfortable recruiting other people to contribute a blog here and there. Thus, I started the whole brainstorming process by asking myself one of the toughest introspective questions imaginable: What am I good at?

What followed was a solid 45 minutes of intense self-examination, which evoked sensations of doubt, confusion, hopelessness, humiliation, and even a few high school memories I thought I had successfully forgot—all of which surfaced in no particular order. The process was so overwhelmingly devastating to my self-confidence that I eventually began to entertain the prospect of shutting down the website altogether; however, my resiliency won the day and I continued to dig. Then, in a stroke of pure genius, it hit me: I possess an unusually acute capacity for judging other dudes.

I’m like a chick in the sense that I can take one look at any random guy and immediately decipher whether he’s a “hot dude” or just a “regular dude,” but unlike a chick, I implement no bias into my assessment. I take nothing into account but the facts and, in a way, I’m sort of like the Socrates of hot dudes. So starting right now, I am officially the inaugural president of the newly established HDA (Hot Dudes Association) because, when you’re the best at what you do, you don’t need a permission slip to clasp the reigns and rule with an iron fist.

So understandably, I’d have to guess that everyone reading this is asking his or her self a similar series of questions: What makes a hot dude, a hot dude? What’s the criteria? Is the evaluation exclusively based on physical appearance or are other things such as personality, wealth, and/or intellect taken into consideration? If so/not, are you (meaning me) a hot dude?

Considering I’m the man of the people, I’ll answer the most highly-anticipated question first: Yes, of course I’m a hot dude. My jawline could cut glass, my hair is impeccable, and I sweat buckets of charisma. Plus, I’m nauseatingly jacked (160 lbs. of pure American steele), sing like Robin Thicke, dance like pre-pedophilia Michael Jackson, and look like Bradley Cooper—who will undoubtably be a bona fide first ballot HDA Hall of Famer when the dust clears. The fact I even entertained such a question probably constitutes blasphemy so I’m just going to forget this paragraph even happened…

So with that balderdash cleared up, I can offer but one response to your remaining questions: there exists no stringent criteria when determining whether or not some cheap jabronie on the street qualifies as a “Hot Dude” or not. In fact, one of the most significant components of being a hot dude involves living a life bereft of structure. Strictly speaking, you can’t accurately assess a dude’s hotness through statistical analysis or advanced algorithms; you just have to feel it.

So without further adieu, it is my profound honor to formally announce the very first #HotDudeOfTheWeek: Tom Brady.

Call it a hometown pick but don’t call it undeserving. The guy has 3 Super Bowl rings, an absolute howitzer for an arm, a certified smokehouse of a wife, the wardrobe of a 15th century bon vivant, and most importantly, a smile capable of weakening even the most feminist of knees. Get lubed up Tom, you can add this one to the trophy collection…

PS  B-Street’s Millennium album cover epitomized the hot dude culture.

PSS  This blog was BY FAR the least gay thing I’ve ever done.

This Simpsons/Family Guy Crossover Is Officially The End Of An Era

So the big news in the world of television recently is the upcoming Simpsons/Family Guy crossover that’s appropriately entitled “The Simpsons Guy.” The episode—which airs September 28th—will serve as the premiere for The Simpson’s 250,000th (or 26th) season and Entertainment Weekly just released a 5-minute sneak preview of crossover for those of you who still care because, well, I don’t.

Before everyone jumps to assumption that I’m just another Internet hater, I would just like to clarify that I used to LOVE both shows. When I was younger, I ate, slept, and shit The Simpsons. I collected the comic books (they’re still under my bed) and action figures; I played the video games and owned a couple shirts; I absolutely CRUSHED Butterfinger BB’s and, to this day, I still think Homer is the greatest animated character of all time.

As for Family Guy, my feelings are relatively the same. The first three seasons of that show were LIQUID GOLD. I would even go as far as to say they’re the funniest three seasons of any animated sitcom outside of South Park—which is by far the cleverest/funniest show I’ve ever watched.

The only problem I have with both shows nowadays is that, well, they both absolutely SUCK. I honestly don’t know a single person who still watches The Simpsons anymore and, to be ruthlessly honest, the last few seasons of Family Guy were about as funny as 1940’s concentration camp footage. I understand that the series never consisted of any legitimate story lines or character developments—South Park even aired a two-part episode ripping on how Family Guy formats/organizes their humor; however, the lack of effort their writing staff pours into each episode nowadays is so impressive that I have no problem contending it’s the single worst program on cable right now—Family Guy is just that bad now.

So even though I used to ride with both shows, the reason I don’t care about this crossover episode is because it came 6-7 years too late. The Simpsons are so irrelevant that they need to join forces with Family Guy—a show so far in the gutter that its choking on leaves—to spike ratings. It’s a tough pill to swallow but it’s similar to seeing one of your favorite childhood athletes at the end of their career: they’re still lacing up the cleats everyday, but it’s painfully obvious their fastball isn’t anywhere close to what it was…

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that this crossover episode is the ultimate nail in the coffin for both series; to revert back to my sports reference, it’s an ACL tear during what was supposed to be a farewell season. Both shows suck, and most importantly, they’re now aware that they suck. It’s officially time to hang em’ up and, although it’s not the most graceful of exits, we can’t all be Barry Sanders…

#RE2PECT

Goodell Just Laid The HAMMER Down On Ray Rice

So yeah, the NFL finally decided to respond to Ray Rice’s third-degree assault incident and, well, things got pretty intense to say the least. In a ruthless display of league totalitarianism, Roger Goodell lashed out a DEVASTATING two-game suspension to the Baltimore running back. Just an all-around catastrophic turn of events for all parties involved; most importantly, however, what does this mean for the Ravens moving forward???

All joking aside, though: considering the severity of the violation, this is probably the most ridiculous disciplinary penalty I’ve ever seen in sports. I mean, two games? Really? Is that even a thing? Josh Gordon got caught smoking weed and that dude’s set to spend the entire season on the couch watching RedZone for God sakes. And although I’m not one of those hipsters who constantly feels the need to regurgitate facts about Marijuana and how it’s less detrimental than seemingly half the shit you can buy at a CVS, the NFL looked at a called strike 3 on this one.

To clear this up, let’s play a game of “What Would You Do?” Here’s the situation and question: You’re a Pro Bowl cornerback for some AFC powerhouse. You’re at a bar with your girl. You and your girl get into a verbal altercation. From a purely FOOTBALL standpoint, what’s the best option for your career?

a.) Shake off the argument, drive home and light up on the ride home.
b.) Wind up and blast her in the face with your fist.

For those of you scoring at home, option “b” is the correct answer because the NFL seemingly doesn’t care that their players are punching women in the face as long as they aren’t getting high and watching PawnStar re-runs on the History Channel.

On a side note, how about this quote from Ray Rice about the whole suspension situation: “As I said earlier, I failed in many ways. But, Janay and I have learned from this. We have become better as a couple and as parents.” Talk about a guy who doesn’t get it, huh? Like no Ray, Janay didn’t do anything. You knocked her out cold at a nightclub somewhere. She couldn’t have done anything too bad because she wasn’t actually conscious. That’s what happens when you right hook people who are smaller than you…

Am I The Only Person Who Doesn’t Get Weird Al?

So for the last week or so, all I’ve seen on the Internet is Weirld Al Yankovich. Evidently he isn’t dead and, even more surprising, he just released his 14th studio album entitled “Mandatory Fun.” To promote the album, he’s decided to release 8 music videos in 8 days; as of right now, I think it’s day 5 or 6 and I already want to jump off a cliff.

I just don’t understand the Weird Al hype. I guess you could say the guy’s sort of talented but I won’t accept that you think he’s funny. There’s no way someone could listen to that Fancy remix—where he replaced “Fancy” with “Handy” and rapped about re-modeling kitchens and fixing household appliances—and genuinely laugh. There’s just no way in hell. It’s just mom humor.

Normally I play devil’s advocate on this blog and always tend to rip on everything (which I get) but I’m being 100% genuine when I claim I have absolutely no clue why Weird Al is even remotely relevant. I used to write music for a while and to be completely honest, I could pump out a better parody song of Pharrell’s “Happy” is you gave me a pen, notebook, and 15 minutes. I don’t even think Lonely Island is that funny but I at least understand why others would think so. Weird Al is just an enigma to me right now.

PS  I recorded this song roughly 3 years ago and, without sounding like the cockiest douche of all-time, it bumps wayyyy harder than anything Weird Al’s ever done.

 

Johnny Football: What It Means To Succeed As A Pro Athlete

Before I begin, I would just like to give myself a complimentary slap on the ass because I’ve seemingly done the impossible: I’ve managed to operate a daily semi-sports blog for the last two years without devoting a SINGLE blog to Johnny Manziel. I managed to blog once or twice (and sometimes even three times) a day through two college football seasons, two Heisman trophy ceremonies, and two NFL drafts without dedicating an entire post to Texas A&M’s bronzed deity—which, considering I haven’t been able to take a shit without hearing his name, has been tremendously difficult to say the least.

I never blogged about his win against Alabama, his performances in bowl games, or anything else he’s done on the field. Even more impressively, I refrained from blabbing about his arrest for disorderly conduct; I avoided commenting on how he dressed up as Scooby-Doo for Halloween; I ignored the overblown autograph-gate; and I eluded any temptation to talk about his awkward relationships with Drake, Lebron, and/or the Cleveland Browns organization. I somehow evaded it all and, although I’m proud of my self-restraint, I’m officially hanging up the cleats—I’m finally about to blog about the one they call Johnny Football.

For the majority of the last couple years, I’ve been a big Johnny Football guy. Considering the amount of media coverage he’s garnered since he first broke out and blew the doors off SMU, it’s safe to say he’s been the most dynamic/polarizing athlete in all of sports—outside of maybe Lebron and ESPN’s devout monarch, Tim Tebow. You’d be hard pressed to find a sports fan who doesn’t have an opinion of him but, although I understand that exposure and criticism are corresponding entities, a lot of the heat this guy takes from the media is flat-out ridiculous.

He’s only 21-years-old! And if I had to guess, constantly having the opportunity to bang beers with All-Pro athletes, Grammy Award-winning music artists, and busloads of smoke show Instagram chicks is a tough offer for a 21-year-old to leave on the table.

HOWEVER, I will say that (as with anything else in life) there’s a line you can’t cross and Manziel’s definitely flirting with it. Like I said before, I understand he’s still just a kid; nevertheless, when you’re making enough money to control weather patterns in Eastern Europe, you’re held to a higher standard than the rest of us. To quote the late, great Uncle Ben from the first Spider-Man movie (the good one): “With great power comes great responsibility.”

In other words, you’re no longer allowed to parade around nightclubs, clasping stacks of money to your ears and rolling up dollar bills in the bathroom; you’re no longer allowed to bulldoze Twitter and Instagram into submission with constant updates informing everyone that you aren’t spending the night by a playbook or squat rack; and most importantly, you’re no longer allowed to justify your conduct by reaching in the back pocket and pulling out the “I’m just a 21-year-old kid” card because, well, it’s not true.

After you sign an NFL contract guaranteeing that you’ll be earning an exponentially larger annual sum of money than 99.9% of your peers, you’re no longer one of them anymore—you’re the farthest thing from them, actually—so act the part…

I Think Golf Might Be One Of The Best Sports To Watch

So for some reason or another, I’ve been golfing a ton recently. I’ve hit the links about 3 times in the last few weeks and I’m slowly convincing myself that I could take the pro tour by storm if I practiced more than twice a year, but whatever. The real purpose of this blog revolves around the fact that I’ve been watching the Open Championship somewhat religiously the last day or so.

I get a lot of the reason for this is because Tiger’s finally back from injury, but at the same time, I don’t know what to expect from that guy anymore. He historically ropes at the Open Championship but I feel as if the more realistic achievement is making the cut, rather than winning the whole thing. That said, he’s had a rough start to the day but is still within striking distance so I’m happy.

Anyway, while watching the Open Championship, I’ve come to realize that—although everyone rips on how boring it is—golf is one of the best sports to watch on TV. I understand that it’s a slow sport but it’s not like you’re following one golfer the whole time. The broadcast constantly jumps around to all the best players/shots so I don’t see how you could get bored of the tournament unless you just flat-out hate the sport.

Plus, the best part about golf is that it’s all between the ears. There’s no one playing defense by the hole or taking anything away from your game whatsoever. If someone blows a 3-stroke lead with two holes left in the tournament, that’s on the individual and ONLY the individual. And in a way, that’s what makes it great. You get to see both the physical, as well as the mental, makeup of every last great player on the planet in crystal clear HD. Can’t knock that…