So I’ve been trying to think of a few good running blogs I could start doing for the site because I need more content but I don’t want to exclusively rely on current events for inspiration, nor do I feel comfortable recruiting other people to contribute a blog here and there. Thus, I started the whole brainstorming process by asking myself one of the toughest introspective questions imaginable: What am I good at?
What followed was a solid 45 minutes of intense self-examination, which evoked sensations of doubt, confusion, hopelessness, humiliation, and even a few high school memories I thought I had successfully forgot—all of which surfaced in no particular order. The process was so overwhelmingly devastating to my self-confidence that I eventually began to entertain the prospect of shutting down the website altogether; however, my resiliency won the day and I continued to dig. Then, in a stroke of pure genius, it hit me: I possess an unusually acute capacity for judging other dudes.
I’m like a chick in the sense that I can take one look at any random guy and immediately decipher whether he’s a “hot dude” or just a “regular dude,” but unlike a chick, I implement no bias into my assessment. I take nothing into account but the facts and, in a way, I’m sort of like the Socrates of hot dudes. So starting right now, I am officially the inaugural president of the newly established HDA (Hot Dudes Association) because, when you’re the best at what you do, you don’t need a permission slip to clasp the reigns and rule with an iron fist.
So understandably, I’d have to guess that everyone reading this is asking his or her self a similar series of questions: What makes a hot dude, a hot dude? What’s the criteria? Is the evaluation exclusively based on physical appearance or are other things such as personality, wealth, and/or intellect taken into consideration? If so/not, are you (meaning me) a hot dude?
Considering I’m the man of the people, I’ll answer the most highly-anticipated question first: Yes, of course I’m a hot dude. My jawline could cut glass, my hair is impeccable, and I sweat buckets of charisma. Plus, I’m nauseatingly jacked (160 lbs. of pure American steele), sing like Robin Thicke, dance like pre-pedophilia Michael Jackson, and look like Bradley Cooper—who will undoubtably be a bona fide first ballot HDA Hall of Famer when the dust clears. The fact I even entertained such a question probably constitutes blasphemy so I’m just going to forget this paragraph even happened…
So with that balderdash cleared up, I can offer but one response to your remaining questions: there exists no stringent criteria when determining whether or not some cheap jabronie on the street qualifies as a “Hot Dude” or not. In fact, one of the most significant components of being a hot dude involves living a life bereft of structure. Strictly speaking, you can’t accurately assess a dude’s hotness through statistical analysis or advanced algorithms; you just have to feel it.
So without further adieu, it is my profound honor to formally announce the very first #HotDudeOfTheWeek: Tom Brady.
Call it a hometown pick but don’t call it undeserving. The guy has 3 Super Bowl rings, an absolute howitzer for an arm, a certified smokehouse of a wife, the wardrobe of a 15th century bon vivant, and most importantly, a smile capable of weakening even the most feminist of knees. Get lubed up Tom, you can add this one to the trophy collection…
PS B-Street’s Millennium album cover epitomized the hot dude culture.
PSS This blog was BY FAR the least gay thing I’ve ever done.