This Team Absolutely SUCKS Right Now…

Okay, so I’m a few pounders deep and I just finished watching that circus that went down in Kansas City tonight so I’m probably not in the best situation to assess the Patriot’s “performance.” However, I don’t give a rat’s behind because that was the most God awful display of Patriots football I’ve seen since Belichick took over. It was even worse than back in ’03 when Buffalo piped out the Pats and hung a clean 30 points on them in the season opener. Brady threw about 50 picks before the parking lot could finish tailgating and Rohan Davey was slinging ducks before the coin flip; and yet, tonight was somehow worse…

To clarify, I get that I’m a little jacked up and not thinking too clearly about the game, but at the same time, I don’t care because that game was atrocious. Kansas City jogged out of the tunnel and buried the Pats in every statistical category imaginable and they did it in front of the entire country in crystal-clear HD. It wasn’t even like the Patriots didn’t show up to the Arrowhead; they didn’t even get on the fucking bus for God’s sake. I’d be surprised if this team could take a shit successfully at this point.

And I know everyone and their grandmother is going to say I’m overreacting. I know how every Jets or Bills fan in the world is going to read this and say something along the lines of “How does it feel?” or “Typical Pats fan going off about how his team sucks even though they win the division every year.” And you know what? They’re right…

I’ll admit that I unjustifiably piss and moan about this team a lot. This time, however, I’m 100% justified this time because of one reason: when the Pats have sucked over the last decade or so, they’ve only kinda sucked; over the past 3 weeks, though, they’ve just sucked.

And the biggest thing to take away from this performance is the fact that the Patriots have absolutely NO excuse to suck—they don’t have injuries, they don’t have vacancies on either side of the ball, and they aren’t dealing with rookies. They are perfectly capable of winning a Superbowl this year, but right now, they just suck.

Their offensive/defensive schemes suck, their clock management sucks, their quarterback play sucks, their pocket protection sucks, their ability to tackle or wrap guys up in open space sucks, their red zone efficiency sucks, their third-down conversion rate sucks, and their discipline sucks. EVERYTHING SUCKS. And considering that EVERYTHING sucks, the blame now starts at the top—Yeah, looking at you Bill and Tom…

I’m not going to go as far as to say they aren’t capable of figuring this out, but there isn’t a lot of good I can say right now. I can no longer place the blame on how we don’t have a receiving core or anybody who can throw some heat on the quarterback. Why? Because it’s not true anymore. This team is built to go 13-3 and there’s no debating that; thus, I’ve provided a New England Patriots 2014 Mid-Season To-Do list:

1.) Big Dick Bill and the Jews down in Foxborough’s front office need to suck up their pride once and a while and stop treating their veterans like Vietnamese sweatshop workers. I understand that 50% of football is a business, but let’s all remember that the other 50% is ultimately what drives revenue…

2.) McDaniels needs to get his head out of his ass and start implementing some diversity into our offense instead of only running bubble screens, 5-yard curl routes, and third-down draw plays—which seemingly haven’t produced a first down since Kevin Faulk was here. And on that note, can someone near Gillette please call a team meeting and educate this offense on why first down markers exist? I’ve never seen a team come up short on 3rd down through the air so often in my entire life. It’s not too complicated: just make sure you’re beyond the fat guy holding the orange sign prior to waving for the ball. And for the LOVE OF God, is this receiving core capable of executing a rub route/pick play without drawing a flag for pass inference?

3.) Matt Patricia has gone too long without taking any flack for how atrocious the Patriots have looked on defense. I can give him the benefit of the doubt in recent years because he was dealing with a bunch of guys who were salting french fries the week before kickoff, but not anymore. On laminated paper, this defense is capable of shutting down any team in the NFL and the whole “bend don’t break” vindication no longer flies when you have at least five potential Pro-Bowlers lacing up on Sunday. At the very least, Matty P could try mixing in one or two blitz packages into the playbook because Alex Smith could’ve finished filing his income taxes in the pocket by the 3rd quarter tonight and I’m only half-kidding.

4.) Brady needs to man the fuck up. I’m sick of having to defend this guy for avoiding contact on the football field. I understand that he’s old and preserving his body is in the best interest of the team, but attempting to leg out a first down once every 7 games doesn’t guarantee a trip to Boston Medical. The guy has played off spark and emotion his entire career and watching him go three-and-out because he would rather rope a ball into triple coverage than breach the line of scrimmage is becoming frustrating as hell. Get dirty once in awhile—It’s football, remember?

5.) Whoever sets Danny Amendola’s alarm clock every night needs to be fired IMMEDIATELY. That dude has somehow managed to miss the team flight/bus to every game since he got here.

P.S. Chandler Jones, Edelman, and Matt Slator are the only guys getting a pass in this blog. They’re the only ones playing with any balls so far this season.

This Derek Jeter Farewell Is Deserved To An EXTENT

So unless you’ve spent the last year hibernating in a bomb shelter somewhere along the border of New Zealand, you probably know that Derek Jeter is retiring after this season. Yes, this is the final season that number 2 will lace up his J’s and trot out of the Yankee’s dugout to hold down the shortstop position and I can’t hold my breath any longer. I can’t act like it isn’t happening anymore so I’m going to lay the wood on this situation once and for all.

I recently watched that insufferable dickbag Keith Olbermann eviscerate Jeter on his show the other night, and although I’m not going to go as far as Olbermann’s ass did, I will say the one thing that no one had said prior to his segment: Derek Jeter is overrated.

Since I’m a Red Sox fan, I’ve yet to blog about it because everyone is just going to say I’m a homer and I hate Jeter. WRONG! I don’t hate Jeter at all; in fact, I’ve never hated Jeter. I think he’s one of the classiest acts I’ve ever witnessed play a professional sport. The guy did it the right way, plain and simple.

That said, I was running through the guy’s stats the other day and—outside of the fact he’s been putting up these stats for roughly 2 decades—he wholeheartedly wasn’t the statistical juggernaut that everyone seemingly thinks he was. He literally only led the league in a statistical category once or twice and I’m pretty sure Miguel Cabrera has led the league in 5 statistical categories every season for the past 5 summers or something.

HOWEVER, I’m not saying he wasn’t great; I’m just saying that a lot of the praise is a little over the top. The truth is simple: this Derek Jeter season-long eulogy isn’t a celebration of someone who dominated the batter’s box or chokeholded the shortstop position; it’s a celebration of someone who spent 20 years playing the most important position, for the most successful franchise, in the brightest cathedral of baseball. It’s more about ambience than anything else, but regardless, Re2pect…

PBR Being Sold To Russians Is The Final Nail In The Coffin

PBRInvitational

Okay, so I haven’t been posting much on the blog recently because I’ve been incredibly busy with my new job. I honestly have about 2-3 hours a day of “free time” and I’ve elected to spend that time crushing bar trivia, writing music, and watching football. So for those of you who have asked, I am not discontinuing Tha Daily Hangover; I’m simply putting it on the back burner until I gain some footing at my office.

That said, I was frolicking through the prepossessing valleys of the Internet earlier today and stumbled across one of the most shocking stories I’ve ever read. Evidently, the Pabst Brewing Company—the company behind PBR, Colt 45, Old Milwaukee, and Schlitz—has officially been sold to some Russian brewing company called Oasis Beverages.

I nearly had an aneurism. Like, what? How could Pabst do this to me? They know that I’ve been their most loyal consumer since I first saw that their 16-ounce six-packs were cheaper than the average 40 ounce. They know that I have enough empty PBR’s in my family’s recycling bin to pollute half of Lake Minnetonka. They know that I’ve openly supported their product in arguments with craft beer hard-asses across New England. And most importantly, they know I recently set up an annual golf tournament with my friends called “The PBR Invitational”… Right? There’s no way…

I mean, PBR has been my go-to beer fix for as long as I can remember and a lot of that reason had to do with the fact that PBR was American as American could get. That company figured out a way to persevere and compete with the Budweisers and Coors of the world with a product that could very well be mistaken for motor oil if consumed by anyone earning over $50k a year. It was like drinking Teddy Roosevelt’s blood for God’s sake.

And now? Well, I’m not really sure. One on hand, I still like PBR because it’s the only beer at the bar that I can consistently drink without putting a dent in my debit card; on the other hand, it would be a slap in the face to all of our forefathers if I was to consistently pour half of my paycheck into Putin’s back pocket every week. I don’t know, whatever…

Editors Note: I wrote this a couple days ago but forgot to post it.
Editor’s Note Two: I made that Golf Tournament Logo a few weeks ago and it’s dope…

My Final Take on This Ray Rice Situation

So the biggest news today is that TMZ just released the full video of Rice spitting on his girlfriend before head butting and knocking her out cold. I’ve already blogged about the situation but now that the actual video’s out, I’m left with only one opinion: Ray Rice is a fucking clown and shouldn’t be allowed to play football this season.

I’m almost ashamed that I didn’t say that in my initial blog but I had my reasons. As a man, you’re NEVER justified to hit a woman. However, I’m not going to sit here and play the PR card. There was always a possibility that this situation could’ve been similar to when Beyonce’s sister went batshit on Jay-Z in the elevator; but instead of having a bouncer to quell everything, Rice tried to restrain her and she hit her head on the elevator wall or something. I’m not saying that he wouldn’t be at fault, but I’m not going to tear this guy a new one over something that he wholeheartedly tried to avoid.

However, that flat-out wasn’t the case; and in fact, it was just the opposite. She didn’t do ANYTHING. Point blank: Ray Rice should be in jail. And that goes for anyone who hits their wife or girlfriend because if you’re mentally capable of doing it once then you’re mentally capable of doing it again. Victims of domestic abuse are affected for life—which probably explains why Rice’s then girlfriend was so apologetic—and letting these guys walk is a disgrace.

I don’t care what rules the league has about double jeopardy and stuff like that, they need to refuse this dude the right make money for longer than fourteen days, especially considering the fact that the NFL has been handing out suspensions like parking tickets these days. And as cliché as the people comparing NFL suspensions may sound, they’re almost too right.

Josh Gordon, Robert Mathis, and Wes Welker are all sitting on the couch for abusing a substance and Ray Rice will receive a check with the NFL’s logo on it before next month for abusing a woman. Hell, Richie Incognito is probably still washing dishes because he bullied a 300 pound grown man for God sakes.

And on another note, what kind of organization is the Baltimore Ravens right now? Not only did they let this situation slide, they gave him a fucking tribute and supported him through the whole controversy. Figure it out…

My Biannual Blog About Why Apple Consumers Are The Dumbest People On Earth

So Apple recently unveiled the release date of what most people are presuming to be the new iPhone 6, and well, here it comes: My biannual report on why Apple people—myself included—are the dumbest human beings on planet Earth…

Every year, Apple unveils their new iPhone; and every year, millions of people flood retail outlets across the globe the latch their wet fingers around Cupertino’s newest iSomething.

But before I venture any further, I don’t hate Apple’s products; I just hate how the company elects to unveil their products. It’s as if they manufacture products with the understanding that they aren’t perfect. In other words, Apple knows that their forthcoming product—which I believe is the iPhone 6 or that new ridiculous iWatch they’ve spent the last year blabbing about—could easily be refined; however, they would rather just go ahead and release it so they can come out with an “enhanced version” a month later. Why? Because they know people would willingly amputate their left hand to get their right hand on it.

So why do people want the new iPhone every year? Because it’s slimmer and sleeker, of course. Even though the first iPhone—which debuted back in 2007—was thinner than one of the Olsen twins, seemingly every iPhone that Apple has rolled out since has been slimmer and sleeker. It’s to the point where i’m waiting for Apple to come out with a two-dimensional iPhone that appears non-existent when viewed from the side.

And although the iPhone is the best representation of Apple’s autocratic stranglehold on its consumers, the evolution of their entire product line is just as ridiculous. To simplify things, I’ve listed the evolution below:

  • 2001: Apple releases the iPod because the world realized it needed a way to store all of the music it illegally downloaded.
  • 2007: Apple releases the iPhone because the world realized it needed a way to store all of the music it illegally downloaded on the same software it uses to make phone calls.
  • 2013: Apple releases the iTouch because the world realized it needed a larger iPod, but even more importantly, an iPhone that couldn’t make phone calls.
  • 2013 (continued): Apple releases the iPad because the world realized it needed a larger iTouch, which was essentially a larger iPhone that couldn’t make phone calls.
  • 2013 (continued further): Apple Releases the iPad Mini because the world realized that even though it needed a larger iTouch, which was essentially a larger iPhone that couldn’t make phone calls, it didn’t need that large of an iTouch, and more importantly, that large of an iPhone that couldn’t make phone calls.

Thus, we’re full circle. We’re officially back to shoveling out $500 for “enhanced” products that we, in principle, owned back in 2007. Talk about a brilliant marketing scheme…

The “Fappening” Debacle Is So Legit It Hurts…

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Nerds are going to rule the world some day and I think that day came about 20 years ago when the human race first created the computer. Back in the day, our forefathers had to stage riots, deliver newspapers, and dump tea into harbors to keep the government in check. Now, any dickhead with a high school diploma can throw the entire world on its head for 48 hours and continue to do so unharmed. In other words, seemingly anyone with a MacBook and Wifi access is capable of shutting down the Pentagon at any given time and I kinda love it.

On a real note though, this Fappening thing is probably one of the biggest power moves in the history of the world. Apparently the guy who leaked all the photo operates under the pseudonym, “4Chan”; and if that’s actually the case, this dude has to be one of the most powerful individuals on planet Earth right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if he lands a TIME Magazine cover next month or something.

And although all these celebrities are freaking out and denying that these pictures—which are clearly legitimate—aren’t real and shit, there are only two real losers in this whole debacle: Apple and everyone who didn’t get leaked.

Apple’s probably the biggest loser because that company is so fucking smug about how safe and secure their computers are and stuff. All they talk about is how they can’t get viruses and blah blah blah. All the while, in some dimly lit basement, 4Chan is nonchalantly chopping up servers like oregano and scooping dick pics faster than the Patriots scoop up 5’9″ white guys.

The second loser in this whole Fiasco is every celebrity who didn’t get their pictures leaked. In other words, if you didn’t get hacked, you weren’t worth getting hacked; and that’s probably the hardest pill to swallow. In fact, I was pretty pissed I didn’t get hacked, myself. I mean, I own a god damn website, look like Bradley Cooper and drive a Saab. What else do I need to do here? Whatever…