So It Begins… The Great War

{click play before reading for full effect}

So yeah, a territory war has officially broken out around my dorm room. Surprisingly, it has yet to draw any media coverage so I’ll just explain:

Upon returning to school last Tuesday, I was rudely received by a faction of turkeys that have yet to vacate the premises. It was cute for the first week but now they’re flirting with a fortnight and push is coming pretty damn close to shove. A man can only endure so much before he metaphorically pulls the trigger and I’ve already loaded the bullets…

Understandably, I can’t plead complete innocence on the whole ordeal (I’m technically the trespasser here) but that’s not important. What is important is that these longneck sons of bitches don’t have the firepower, nor the fortitude to extend this thing into extra innings.

That said, I must remain vigilant because if history has taught us anything about conflict, it’s that wars aren’t won on the battlefield; wars are won in the command center. The secret to victory lies in how well one knows thy enemy so I have remained meticulous in my approach, devoting many a sleepless nights in the past week to surveillance.

Judging by the color and length of their feathers (as well as the Canadian Flag they’ve erected), this flock is presumably of Toronturkeyan descent—an Toronto-based ancestry notorious throughout Canada for their territorial aggression. In particular, this platoon entertains a rather complex militaristic hierarchy so I’ve assigned names to each officer for comprehensive purposes…

On the left, we have your run-of-the-mill utility servicemen in William Fritz and Elrod Stetson; on the right, however, struts a charlatan by the name of Donatello Greenwald.

Through observation, I’ve determined that Greenwald is, in fact, the alpha Toronturkeyan; he’s the brains, he’s the one who tugs at the strings, and he’s the one that everything runs through. In other words, if I want to repatriate these Celine Dion-loving jackwagons, Greenwald must remain my foremost priority…

We are loitering on the doorstep of bloodshed, gentlemen…