Now, anyone who knows me knows I’m not a huge college sports guy. I think March Madness is the best product in formal athletics but outside of that, I could give a fuck about bowl games or what Mel Kiper’s ass is up to… until now.
Why? Because people who also know me also know that I’m an opportunist. I jump at the prospect of success. I come, I see, I conquer. And with the calendar on the verge of flipping to March, it’s officially “Mock Draft Season.” That said, I’m getting into the mock draft game because there’s money to be made so without further adu, here’s my Official 2018 Mock Draft.
- Cleveland Browns: N/A
I actually have Cleveland just conceding their pick here. I feel like they’ve tried virtually everything to be competitive over the last 3 decades except avoiding the draft altogether. Think of it this way: No one can say you drafted a bust if you don’t draft at all.
- New York Giants: Baker Mayfield, QB, Oklahoma
This is a no-brainer. Mayfield won the Heisman this year, which is awarded to the best player in college football. Why wouldn’t you draft the best player in college football if you had the pick of the litter? I’ll wait…
- Indianapolis Colts: Calvin Ridley, WR, Alabama
Anyone who has watched IND play over the last 1.5 decades knows they’re consistently a good defense away from a long championship run. Look for them to go with the best WR in the draft at 3.
- Cleveland Browns: N/A
Once again, John Dorsey avoids draft criticism and withdraws his organization from consideration.
- New England Patriots (via Broncos): Chris Laviano, N/A, N/A
In a “Win Now” move, Denver makes a blockbuster deal and moves their 5th pick to New England for Tom Brady. The Patriots use their pick on the ex-Rutgers quarterback and future college lacrosse transfer because it’ll end up working out.
- New York Jets: Sam Darnold, QB, USC
The Jets need a long-term guaranteed franchise starter so they go with Darnold because USC quarterbacks always pan out.
- Philadelphia Eagles (via Redskins via Buccaneers): Lamar Jackson, QB, Louisville
Tampa Bay trades down their pick to the Redskins, who then trade their pick to Philadelphia for DE Chris Long. Given the recent controversy regarding Redskins’ name controversy, Dan Snyder adds some much needed White guilt to Washington’s defensive front and Philadelphia gets a second viable QB option to motivate Carson Wentz.
- Dallas Cowboys (via Bears): O.J. Simpson, RB, Lovelock Correctional Center
Chicago trades down to Dallas for royalty rights to Cole Beasley’s rap single. Jerry Jones uses the pick on 70-year-old OJ Simpson to compliment Dez Bryant’s experience/leadership.
- Oakland Raiders: Saquon Barkley, RB, Penn State
In his first official move with the franchise, Jon Gruden adds insurance at the RB position for when Marshawn Lynch inevitably/inexplicably stops showing up to practices and games.
- Miami Dolphins: Josh Allen, QB, Wyoming
What better way to assure future success than a quarterback who’s tall, has big hands, and sucked at quarterback in college?