For those who don’t know me well, I get rattled pretty easily. I’m not necessarily a hot head but I wouldn’t bat an eyelash if modern psychoanalysis pegged me as neurotic. In other words, insignificance bothers me a lot more than it should, and I’m not talking bother as in it “stresses me out” or “pisses me off”; I’m talking bother as in it perplexes me to the point where I begin to reevaluate bigger, more significant things like the meaning of life or if I’ve missed my second excise tax return deadline (most likely yes).
So essentially, accept the above paragraph as a disclaimer for the rest of this blog. If minor inconveniences don’t bother/provoke you than I can confidently presume the next two minutes of your life would be best spent doing something else.
That said, I committed the number one Cardinal Sin of adulthood this morning and wheeled into Burger King around 7:30 AM to grab breakfast. My commute to work from that BK is roughly 1 hour so, long story short, I wasn’t going to make it without having to stop at a public restroom. In an act of desperation, I pulled into a McDonald’s off the exit, hobbled past a couple meth heads in the dining room and proceeded to exercise the demons in the handicap stall (like color, I don’t see physical disability).
While I was perched on the throne, one question rattled throughout my cerebellum like a pinball: is the automatic toilet flusher the most unnecessary/least convenient product innovation of all time?
Normally I try my best to avoid hyperbole on takes like this but it HAS to be, right? I mean, think about. Honestly. Just think about it for 30 seconds. Putting a motion sensor on a toilet is somehow less effective than opening a tanning salon in downtown Harlem.
It’s fucking pointless. Any time you readjust or slightly shift your weight left or right, the flush goes off like a gunshot and you have to lift into some Crossfit-esque squat position to avoid getting bidet’d (for you less cultured mouth-breathers out there, a bidet is a common plumbing fixture in European countries that shoots water up your ass after you’ve done your business because, well, Europe).
So yeah, it’s a HUGE inconvenience. And for what? What’s the benefit of the automatic flush? Were people actually up in arms over toggling a flusher. Was that the “final straw” for some psychos out there? We have continents out there where people are literally eating dirt to survive and our best and brightest are brainstorming in laboratories for hours on end to relieve our societies of issues like pushing a button after you shit.
P.S. People who don’t wipe piss off the seat or sweep their toilet paper seat covers into the toilet before they leave the stall should be burned alive in front of an audience of their peers.