If You’re A Fan Of Space Jam, This Is A MUST READ…

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For anyone that grew up in the 90s, Space Jam was a wagon. One of my favorite movies all time and, recently, it was announced that a Space Jam 2 trailer will drop shortly after Lebon’s announcement regarding where he’ll be playing next year. Sort of a genius idea from Lebron but considering it involves Lebron, there’s no way Lebron came up with the idea.

That said, I’ll get into my actual take on this whole thing at a later date. I’m not someone who bashes sequels simply because they’re sequels. i have an open mind with this type of stuff and I think it could actually be interesting; that said, I have some thoughts on the original.

With all things considered, 1996 was a monumental year in United States history. Bill Clinton was re-elected into office, the Dallas Cowboys were cementing themselves as “America’s Team,” and Will Smith commenced his tenure as Earth’s premier guardian in regards to extraterrestrial invasion.

Although Independence Day was the year’s top-grossing film, it certainly wasn’t the most important film of 1996. That designation belongs to Warner Brothers’ epic apologue depicting Michael Jordan’s initial return to the NBA. To this day, I refuse to believe that Jordan’s recrudescence to basketball prominence was influenced by anything outside of Looney Tune Land.

When Michael Jordan shook Mister Swackhammer’s hand and potentially subjected himself to an eternity of humiliation on Moron Mountain, there wasn’t a single individual in either galaxy who spoke. Time stood still and Jordan’s legacy, for the first time since he was cut from his Varsity basketball team, became susceptible to derogation.

The stipulations were confirmed and the venue that would ultimately showcase the greatest demonstration of competitive engagement was set. The only aspect left unsettled was the outcome. With that said, here’s why Space Jam ultimately won the ’90s.

Michael Jordan Was Perfect

There are only a handful of athletes in the history of professional sports who could’ve made a movie like this work. Scratch that, actually. There is only one athlete in the history of professional sports who could’ve made a movie like this work and Warner Brothers nailed it on the head.

Michael Jordan is the epitome of professionalism and arguably the most iconic individual to ever don a jersey. In a nutshell, Space Jam wouldn’t have been as successful if it starred anyone besides Air Jordan and that sentence cannot be argued as anything short of factual.

Recently, LeBron James announced via a Q&A on Twitter that he has given thought to potentially undertaking a Space Jam sequel. Given the enormity of such a contention, paired with the ongoing, media-fueled “Greatest player of all-time” debate, obviously James’ statements created a whirlwind of rumors and dialogue regarding a potential sequel.

There’s no question that LeBron James will go down as one of the all-time greats, if not the greatest of all-time. That being said, there’s a reason Michelangelo’s David remains the only one of its kind. Masterpieces don’t need continuations, but if you must try your hand at recreation, you best be able to deliver.

The Supporting Cast Was FIRE

Although Michael Jordan absolutely played himself to a T, it was the supporting cast that put Space Jam over the top. The script was absolutely brilliant, but without the precise personnel, Space Jam could’ve fallen into a trap that a lot of high-budget children’s films ultimately fall into when attempting to reach a broad audience.

Wayne Knight (Newman from “Seinfield”) was an absolute wrecking ball for the 12 minutes of screen time he had as Jordan’s personal ball washer, and I don’t think there’s another individual on this planet who could’ve voice acted a four-foot, cigar-smoking criminal alien boss more accurately than Danny DeVito.

Furthermore, when it’s all said and done, I think Bill Murray might go down as the single greatest human being of all-time. I wholeheartedly don’t think that man has done anything wrong in 60+ years of existence. The best line in the entire film occurs during an exchange he has with Jordan and Larry Bird on the golf course.

Wearing an umbrella hat, Murray questions whether or not Jordan’s skepticism regarding his ability to compete in the NBA has anything to do with his skin color. When Jordan refutes this notion by indicating that Larry’s white, Murray epically corrects Jordan by contending, “Larry’s not white; Larry’s clear.”

The Soundtrack Was Loaded

One of the most undervalued aspects of Space Jam was the fact that the film’s soundtrack was absolutely RIDICULOUS. From start to finish, you’d be hard pressed to find a more impressive compilation of symphonic dominance than what Atlantic Records put out in October of 1996.

For starters, the movie opened up with the melodic stylings of R. Kelly, who convinced all of us that we were capable of flight. In fact, his effort was so inspiring that it launched his career to unrivaled heights and ultimately earned him a Grammy.

Although “I Believe I Can Fly” was the most critically-acclaimed work on the musical accompaniment, other notable hits included the Space Jam theme, which was performed by the Quad City Dj’s, and “Hit ’Em High,” which featured Busta Rhymes, LL Cool J, Coolio, and you guessed it, Method Man.

If that wasn’t enough to solidify the Space Jam soundtrack as one of the greatest soundtracks of all time, Bugs Bunny even tears up a 4-minute track entitled “Buggin,” which was written by none other than Brooklyn native, Shawn Carter (Jay Z).

The Controversy Was Unmatched

No movie, or rivalry for that matter, is complete without controversy. In Space Jam, the level of controversy regarding the heavily anticipated showdown between the “Tune Squad” and the “Monstars” was unparalleled.

Even before the game was played, skepticism ran rampant throughout the galaxy. Media and fans alike voiced their concerns regarding the Monstars’ training regimen, as well as their talent level and extraordinary size, which seemingly appeared out of nowhere.

It was later revealed that the Monstars had actually stolen the basketball talent from Patrick Ewing, Charles Barkley, Larry Johnson, and for some reason, Shawn Bradley and Muggsy Bogues. Though this was never verified, the skepticism still exists and evidence hints that these alleged false practices were, in fact, implemented by the expansion team prior to tip-off.

As for the actual game, things became even more complicated. The “Tune Squad” got buried in the first half and a lot of it had to do with terrible officiating. The Monstars implemented an incredibly physical style of play and Marvin the Martian didn’t reach for the whistle once. There was one point in the first half where Foghorn Leghorn was literally burnt to a crisp at mid-court and the refs completely missed it.

Although most of the disputation regarding the game was aimed in the direction of the Monstars, a lot of people questioned the Toon-Squad’s half-time adjustments, and more specifically, a liquid that has been most commonly referred to as “Special Stuff.” Critics of Jordan’s team allude that Bugs had tainted team water bottles with deer antler spray, but when it’s all said and done, we all know that his actions were of inventive gamesmanship.

The Game Was Incredible

The one aspect of Space Jam that gets lost beneath its controversy and star-studded cast was the fact that the actual meeting between the Tune Squad and the Monstars was incredible from a sports’ perspective. Tune Stadium had a colosseum-type atmosphere that night and the sheer grit and determination of both teams were on full display from the opening tip.

In 2011, a student-run organization at Harvard University known as the Harvard Sports Analysis Collective actually went through the trouble to produce a statistical breakdown of the game and the results are nothing short of staggering.

Some notable things to consider when examining the box score of the game is the contrast between the first and second half performances by both teams.

Although the “Tune Squad” went into the locker-room at halftime trailing 18-66, they heroically managed to dominate the second half and pull off a 78-77 victory on the back of Michael Jordan, who managed to throw down a full-extension half-court dunk as time expired to seal it.

Lola Bunny Was the Ultimate SMOKE

With regards to the sexiest cartoon characters of all-time, a fair majority of the population tends to bring up names like Jessica Rabbit and Betty Boop. Obviously those are admirable candidates, but with all due respect, people who think that Lola Bunny isn’t the sexiest cartoon character of all-time are just flat-out lost and in dire need of a childhood reevaluation.

I guess you can make an argument for other characters, but when it’s all said and done, a vote for anyone other than Bugs’ female counterpart is a vote in the wrong direction because Lola Bunny changed the game regarding the sexual potential of pre-CGI animation.

Although characters like Betty Rubble, Sailor Moon, and Daphnee from Scooby Doo paved the way for future sex symbols in the realm of frame-by-frame animation, Lola Bunny redefined the genre.

She was attractive, athletic, smart, tough, and most importantly, dripped sex from her initial appearance. I always hated on Bugs for grinding out that post-game kiss at the end of the film but I guess he deserved it.

We’re Rooting For South Korea Today

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This is what people don’t get about me: I’m a winner. I could’ve gone pro in roughly 4-5 major sports if I didn’t nearly snap my ankle in half during 8th great football. I was the type of dude who could dial it up from 40 yards out and stick it in a fucking mailbox. That’s just who I was. That’s just how it worked.

And I know a lot of people will say stuff like, “But Joe, you barely played in eighth grade football. You were second string. Three or four players would’ve had to die for you to sniff a couple first half snaps.”

Well guess what? That may have been true to a short extent but our team went undefeated that year. Nobody’s perfect (believe me, I would know because I’m pretty close) but our team was perfect. Not the first string, not the second string, but the TEAM was perfect. And what makes perfect, you ask? Well, last time I checked, PRACTICE makes perfect…

AND WHO DO YOU THINK THEY PRACTICED WITH MOTHUFUCKA!

So yeah, I’m a winner. I don’t care what the situation is and I don’t care about adversity. All I care about is the hardware at the end of the tunnel, which is why when my boss asked me to take South Korea today against Germany in a straight up bet, I took it.

Most people would be scared to do such a thing. I mean, Germany’s a wagon. South Korea is half a country. How could they possibly pull off the dub? I’ll tell you why… winners win.

Ever since Trump singlehandedly solved the Korean situation that Obama was too much of a cuck liberal to fix, there’s new life in the region. Trump’s a winner, I’m a winner, and I think that’s a force to be reckoned with. Germany lost in World War II because America was great, and guess who just became great again…

In the words of the late, great, Tony Soprano: “You’re looking at em, Asshole…”

5 Ways I’d Fix The World Cup and Soccer

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Here’s the deal: I’m cultured. That’s just a fact. I went to France when I was in high school and was smashing baguettes, rocking berets, and dodging wars like a savant. People look at me and all they see is an incredibly attractive, jacked, intelligent, funny person with remarkable humility; what they don’t see is that I’m also a big soccer guy.

I work at a primarily Brazilian operated car dealership and I’m probably the biggest soccer fan on the lot. That’s mainly because everyone here refers to it as fútbol but whatever. That’s what makes America so great. We take what you had and make it better. Fuck your metric system. Fuck your celcius. Fuck your old England. And fuck your fútbol. We have football and it’s way better. There are helmets and convoluted catch rules and concussions and shitty pizza sponsors. That’s a real sport if you ask me.

That said, I always love watching the World Cup even if the US gets their dicks kicked in every year. This year they didn’t even make it to the dance because they got shitpumped by Trinidad and Tobago—a country that just got the Internet 2 weeks ago, but whatever.

Anyway, I love the pageantry of it all but the sport is flawed; therefore, I’m here to fix it.

Shameless Disclaimer: This is basically just a rip-off of a blog I wrote during the last World Cup but I’m a busy guy so fuck off…

1.) Eliminate the Offside Rule: This is one of my biggest pet peeves. I absolutely hate the fact that practically every breakaway is axed because some dude had his nose past a defender when the ball was launched. It’s stupid so I decided to just get rid of it entirely. I don’t care if people are straight cherry-picking. In fact, that’s what I want. Plus, it would force teams to accommodate for strikers regardless of where they are on the field. Coaches would have to choose between a zone or man-to-man defense on the fly; so in a way, I’m implementing a whole new strategical component to the sport.

2.) Legalize Biting: The biggest story so far out of the last World Cup was the whole biting incident with Luis Suarez. Everybody and their mother was just blabbing about how reprehensible that dude’s behavior was and blah blah blah. You know what? I absolutely loved it. It made that Italy/Uruguay game immediately interesting; thus, I need more of it. Now, before everyone starts freaking out, I do believe there should be a constraint: each team only receives one bite per match. They can use it whenever they want but they only get one chomp and one chomp only—it’s only fair…

3.) Replace All Referees with NFL Strength Coaches/Vietnam War Vets: Obviously, the worst part about soccer is the fact that every player goes down with a gun shot wound whenever they’re tapped on the shoulder. I understand that soccer enthusiasts always argue that it’s part of the game; however, that part of the game sucks so I have no choice but to abolish it entirely. I entertained the idea of implementing embellishment penalties like they have in the NHL, but at the same time, that’s no fun and it probably won’t prevent future incidents so I decided that replacing all referees with NFL strength coaches would be the best solution. Why? Because outside of drill sergeants, NFL strength coaches/Vietnam War Vets are the one demographic in the world that you basically aren’t allowed to be a pussy around. Those guys don’t accept “no” or “it’s too heavy” or “I can’t do it” for an answer so I think they would be the best way to increase productivity on the field.

4.) Allow Goalies to Check Inside the Penalty Area: I don’t know much about soccer, but one thing I’ve noticed over the last few weeks is that the goalies are by far the biggest beasts on the pitch. They’re seemingly all sociopathic lunatics, and more importantly, the most entertaining guys to watch during ESPN’s cutaway shots. That said, they should be allowed to blow up offensive players under certain conditions. In other words, if you’re an offensive player and you step inside the penalty area, you’re automatically susceptible to get curb stomped; as long as you’re inside the 18, it’s justified. I’m pretty sure Tim Howard would’ve ate someone during that Belgium game and I’m only half-kidding.

5.) No More Red/Yellow Cards: Just get rid of them, they’re useless. The worst part of the whole card system is that the player has to walk up and look at the ref while he receives it. What’s the point of that? There is no point so that’s why I’ve decided to abolish the card system entirely. Instead, whenever a player commits a foul or bites someone for a second time, referees—who are now NFL strength coaches/Vietnam war vets—should hold up a number out of ten. That number will indicate how many laps around the field you need to run before coming back into the game. That way, these guys will not only get flagged, but will suffer a consequence (running and forcing your team to play a man down) for being a douchebag on the pitch. Either that or make them watch Kevin James comedy bits. Problem solved.

I Watched The Entire BET Awards Last Night And I’m All In…

BET Awards, Show, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Jun 2018

So last night marked the first awards show I watched in its entirety in a long time and it just happened to be the BET Awards. Now, considering this is being posted on the Internet and the Internet is just a bastion of sensitivity and overreaction, I would like to give the following disclaimer: I voted for Obama twice, I have black friends, and all lives matter. For you uncultured honkies out there, what I just did was set the tone. Because I gave that disclaimer, I now have the right to do or say whatever I want and it cannot be met with controversy or backlash. That’s what we in the industry call privilege. Act accordingly.

So yeah, I watched the BET awards last night, and like I said, it was the first awards show I’ve watched in a while. Why? Because awards shows suck now. I used to look forward to watching the Oscars and the Grammys every year because I genuinely appreciate the effort that gets put into the entertainment industry from a creative perspective. Entertainers are a different breed of narcissist and even though these shows have always been self-serving, they still provided enough content to keep me on the couch for 2+ hours.

However, like everything else in the world nowadays, events like these are guaranteed to be overpoliticized and I just can’t do it anymore. My political opinions aren’t strong enough in either direction to give a shit and we’re living in an age where, at least politically, you’re either “with us or without us.” Call me old fashioned, but you used to watch the Oscars because you enjoyed movies; now you watch the Oscars to hear a bunch of overcompensated celebrities shamelessly spew their sociopolitical agenda. Truth is, your reality is not my reality and the view from my 2014 Ford Fiesta with a busted transmission may be a little different from the one from your yacht. Shut the fuck up and sing…

But anyway, I thought the BET Awards was dope last night. Of course, it had it’s fair share of political shade but when it comes down to it, that’s par for the course and the show was never intended for my pale ass in the first place. That said, I thought it was dope but these type of things always make me feel old.

Now, I’m not trying to play the “get off my lawn” shtick here. This is genuine oblivion. When I say I first heard about Cardi B about a month ago, I’m dead serious. I most likely couldn’t name you more than 4-5 current rappers and I’ll put myself on that list as well. Being the only satirical White rapper from Plymouth County, MA, to open up for Fabulous at Pufferbellies in Cape Cod gets you that sort of street pull. When it comes down to it, my next four guesses would just be “lil” or “young” followed by anything…

As for the host, I’m not a Jamie Foxx guy. I’ll admit he’s one of the elite talents in Hollywood but there’s just something about him that rubs me the wrong way. Not to mention, he is literally the BEST at making stuff about himself. He’s the GOAT of that shit. There was a tribute to Anita Baker last night that consisted of Jamie Foxx just putting his own twist on all her songs while interrupting the flow of the performance to make shitty jokes about Black Panther.

Speaking of Jamie Foxx, he pretty much stole the night with his monologue concerning that XXX guy who got shot over the past week. For the record, I had no idea who that guy was or any of the music he made but the reaction has been remarkable to me. Call me crazy, but I just can’t mourn a guy with that sort of track record. I won’t go into further detail (you can find that shit anywhere) but I will say administering a moment of silence for a guy who threatened to shove a spatula up his pregnant girlfriend’s vagina is in poor taste.

That said, Jamie Foxx walked that tight rope brilliantly. After mentioning the death, he began preaching to the audience about how we can’t get used to this type of stuff—which is true. He also made sure to let everyone know he was in LA when Pac got shot and was in New York when Biggie got shot so he’s an expert on this stuff. He didn’t stop there though. The best part of the monologue was at the end when he, in a fit of genius, declared “we need to figure something out.” POWERFUL fucking stuff. So raw. Might slap that on a bumper sticker…

I’m A BIG TIME Criminal Investigation Guy

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For those of you who don’t know me well, I’m a huge criminal investigation guy. Love it. Back in college, when I was hungover, I used to consistently find myself drowning in those CSI vortexes. The way they broadcast that show is downright criminal (pun intended). Immediately as the end credits start to roll, they focus the dual screen to some women getting chopped up in a vacant log cabin and I’m just sitting there slouched over with a couple empty bags of Cheetos saying, “Well, now I have to solve this shit…”

So yeah, that stuff is addicting to me but only in particular cases. I never enjoyed Making A Murderer like everyone else did because of the context. They were all fucking morons in that show. Just a bunch of toothless, GED-less hacks on the outskirts of Wisconsin. Just a vacant wasteland of nothing but meth heads and processed cheese.

Call me crazy, but I like my criminal masterminds to have a brain. As a genius, I can relate to that. I find it incredibly interesting to see what makes those people tick. It’s just so remarkable to see someone so smart and with so much promise commit something so vile. I can sink my teeth into that. Also, it just goes to prove that morality is conceptually subjective. When you have a guy with 5 Masters degrees who slaughters his GF, the whole “only an idiot would do something like that” goes out the window.

For the record, I’ve seen a bunch of these things. So far, the first season of Serial stands as the best thing I’ve ever listened to. Just a gripping 6 hours. The narrative goes back and forth so much that you leave with literally nothing to think. There were about five or six “lead changes” during the course of that series where I felt I just “knew” what to think, only to be left with my dick in my hand at the end. What made the whole thing move though was Adnan. Just so seemingly relatable and casual. If he didn’t have that demeanor, the rest of the podcast goes out the window. It all starts and ends with that.

Behind that is most likely The Jinx, which revolves around New York real estate heir Robert Durst who murdered roughly 500 people. The guy is POLARIZING. Just a complete basket case. I won’t ruin anything further but yeah, it’s worth a monthly HBO GO subscription alone. Also, the recent documentary about the 2003 Pennsylvania collar bomb case called Evil Genius was incredible. Absolutely diabolical stories and, unlike most documentaries, both filmmakers actually revealed something at the end. In other words, there was an ending and damn did neither disappoint.

The one thing I’ve taken from all these is how odd the plight of the accused in this country is. Once they drag you out in those handcuffs, it’s over in the court of public opinion. That’s a powerful image and your life will never be the same. Not to mention, with a 24-hour news cycle and hacks like Nancy Grace looking to throw the book at you for ratings, you might as well just start digging your own grave.

It makes me wonder: If the police ever found someone close to me in a ditch somewhere, how am I supposed to react? It’s just weird. I don’t think there’s a conventional way to respond to the accusation of murder. There’s nothing you can really do outside of shrug your shoulders and maintain innocence. Even then, it’s not like anyone will believe you anyway. All I can do is continue my fight for justice by binge-watching Netflix docs.

I’m Not Reading This Self-Help Book…

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Okay, so per usual, I woke up in a major funk today. Actually got a good night’s worth of sleep last night but I guess there was an accident on the highway this morning because humans suck. Spent roughly 2 hours in the Fiesta this morning listening to 90s on 9 thinking that nostalgia could subvert my nagging urge to light a match and try to land it in the car to the left of me’s open gas tank.

So yeah, I get to work, sit down, and start hammering out some emails when one of my managers come over with “something fun.” Here’s the deal, I’m not a fucking moron. Don’t treat me like a child. “Something fun” is never something fun. “Something fun” is normally something that involves “team building,” which is inconceivably stupid.

Now, I get I’m a cynic and not the most fun to be around at work, but I’m at work. I don’t want to be here. I get paid to do a job and I do that job admirably. I don’t want to be friends with anyone else here. I don’t get paid to do that. I don’t want to “team build.” I think if you’re someone who likes to “team build,” you’re also the guy who likes corporate functions. If you’re the guy who likes corporate functions, you aren’t a bad guy, you’re just a huge fucking loser. I’d rather give myself a colonoscopy with a rusty screwdriver than smash beers in a conference hall while people I already spend 50+ hours a week receive fake, acrylic plaques for achievements in an occupation they settled for because they were too much of a pussy to shoot for what they wanted in life.

Sorry… long commute.

Anyway, “something fun” was actually a book, and I like books. Reading absolutely SUCKS but I do it often because I like to learn. I think knowledge is pretty cool. It keeps you from looking like a complete jackass in conversation. I can mask a lot of my character deficiencies with a quick biographical anecdote about Tiger Woods or Steve Jobs or something. That said, it was a business self-help book.

Can we talk real quick about self-help books? Have you ever noticed that the people who read self-help books are ALWAYS reading self-help books?

It’s suck a quack industry. You have jackasses like Joel Osteen with his bleached-teeth lookin’ ass hoarding his own fucking wing at Barnes and Noble and all of his followers still “need help”? If the guy was so fucking smart, he’d have one book…

Or how about The Secret, which is centered around the psuedo-scientific Law of Attraction, which asserts your thoughts can influence the world around you. It’s an ideology that believes you can dream things into existence, which is bullshit. If that were the case, I would’ve stuffed Carmen Electra on a yacht surrounded by a cheering squad of 90s Nickelodeon characters by now.

And don’t even get me started on Dr. Phil. You talk about the quack of all quacks. The guy is a divorced marriage counselor. That’s like taking financial advice from Enron. The dude just brings these poor bastards on his show to exploit their tragedies for ratings and, after a 5-minute general soliloquy about how “they need to take control of their life,” he’ll just shamelessly send them on a cruise or something. Here’s a mock conversation from the Dr. Phil Show.

Poor Girl: “So yeah, I had a child out of wedlock with someone who was incredibly abusive. From there, I developed an addiction to crack cocaine.”

Dr. Phil (genius): “Well, Amanda… I mean, you need to take control of your life.”

Audience roars in agreement.

Poor Girl: “Well yeah, but it’s just tough with my addiction.”

Dr. Phil (genius): “Well Amanda, I hope you’re addicted to Woody and Buzz because our sponsors are going to send you and your abusive boyfriend on a 5-day stay to Disney World so you can resolve your issues at their new Toy Story Land.”

Audience roars again.

Dr. Phil (genius): “And while you’re at it, check out my 77th new book entitled “Do Things Right.” Too often we do things wrong in our life so we need to start doing things right and the first step is buying this book. Tune in tomorrow where we send a meth head with polio to a vacant Discovery Zone.”

So yeah, I won’t be reading the book…