Alright, so it’s officially Thursday, which means it’s officially Color Rush Thursday. For those who’ve been living within the confines of a bomb shelter for the last couple years, Color Rush is a shameless promotion the NFL runs where, instead of teams wearing their conventional jerseys, teams wear jerseys that consist of one primary color because why would I watch football on Thursday if both teams aren’t wearing uniforms where their pants match their jerseys? Wild stuff from the shield.
On second thought, I’m not sure if teams still endorse this but I do know one thing: tonight is a trap game for New Orleans. Anytime you see a breathing bulldozer like New Orleans play in a big market on the road against a struggling team past Week 12, it’s officially a “trap game.” Look for the Saints to inexplicably puke on their cleats tonight as every talking head in sports broadcasting starts spewing that “this team has flaws” narrative until they bend over the Bucs next Sunday.
Anyway, today is also a lucky day for everyone out there. Today is when I get back on the horse with my belated film reviews. My most recent review was on Avengers: Infinite War, and today, I’ll be reviewing Creed II.
Funny side story about the first Creed: I actually saw this movie on a first date when it came out back in 2015. Everything was going fine until the last 5 minutes when she randomly mentioned she had to run to the bathroom. The movie ended, I walked out, called her roughly 10 times, and resolved I had been dipped on. During my walk home, I texted her saying something along the lines of “Ummm, you could’ve just said you weren’t interested in guys who wear cargo shorts and eat bologna” and she apologized, claiming she had food poisoning or something. I then drove back down to the theatre to check on her (but really just to see if she was bullshitting) and turns out, she wasn’t. We dated for a little over a year, but I digress…
So yeah, Creed holds a special place in my decrepit heart—along with the original Rocky franchise—so I was excited to see the new one. The original Rocky is head and shoulders the best of the series, but if you can’t get down with Rocky IV, then you’re just a complete asshole. Seeing that this new Creed movie is somewhat of a sequel of a reboot centered around that installment, I was especially amped.
For those keeping score at home, another reason I love of the Rocky series is that I’m half Italian, which means all the adults on one side of my family sort of/kind of/in some capacity/in a way think Rocky Balboa’s a real person. Or, at least, they treat it that way…
When I first heard that Creed II would involve the Dragos, my brain basically exploded into genius fragments. I even created my own spec plot, which reads as follows:
The year is 2025 and Rocky dies during his third Space Force deployment. America is still intwined in an intergalactic war with Russia over space oil. Putin and Trump realize that battling in space is futile and the best way to solve their dispute would be through a boxing bout, which pits both countries’ best —Adonis Creed and Victor Drago—against each other in a test of will. The first match is short, and ends with Ivan Drago’s son, Victor, killing Adonis in the ring. Russia begins its victory lap before realizing that Trump has another card up his sleeve.
What Russia didn’t know was that the Rocky they killed during the space war was not the actual Rocky, but a highly advanced robot built by NASA (played by Will Smith). Turns out, Rocky had been cryogenically frozen since the late 80s following his bout with Ivan Drago. The US had been preserving his remains just in case they would need him for a situation such as this.
Just when Russia was embracing their monopoly on space oil, Trump throws his dick on the table and challenges Putin/the Dragos to one final fight for all the marbles. Not only would the winner of this bout gain control over all intergalactic oil, the wall would be up for grabs as well. Putin tentatively accepts, and Rocky (trained by Clubber Lang’s transexual daughter, Frank) takes down Victor Drago on the moon to not only save the United States’ potential for space oil, but more importantly, the Trump Wall, which is huge and big and great.
Turns out, the studio went in a different direction and I thought, although it wasn’t as good as my premise, it came out very well.
Final Score: 8.9 Adrians out of 10