An IDIOT’S Guide To The Democratic Debates…

Shamelessly self-serving disclaimer: I’m not some some pigheaded, gun-hoarding Francis Scott Key apologist; conversely, I’m not some sanctimonious, Twitter-slumming outrage manufacturer. I voted for Obama in 2012 and wrote-in “Ja Rule” two years ago so I could declare the US was under Ja rule. That’s not a joke. Scroll lightly…

Roughly two months ago, I made an executive decision to stop following politics. Given the divisiveness these days, it’s nearly impossible to facilitate a casual dialogue without accusations of bigotry or invitations of violence. It’s reached the point where I now look at anyone with a “Choose Life” bumper sticker or a “Make America Great Again” hat the same way I look at an above average-looking woman with operational standards—with just this emphatic “ehhh this isn’t worth it” sense of dejection.

Long story short, I determined life would be a lot better if I pulled a Captain Marvel during Infinity War and just said “Fuck it, you guys can fight over this for awhile.” Recently, however, I’ve entered the Endgame.

The second Democratic debate aired on Thursday and I folded like a cheap lawn chair. There’s just something captivating about watching a flock of socially detached, mouth breathing gas bags as they scratch and claw for concessionary applause in pursuit of being crowned America’s Next Top Grandstander. Gun to my head, I think it lies in the juxtaposition of it all…

Conceptually speaking, a leaders’ debate is a formal and monumentally influential affair. I mean, this isn’t an after-school PTA meeting where the most significant aftereffect is a patched pothole outside the local Panera Bread—the outcome of these things fundamentally influence the trajectory of the entire country.

Given that fact, you’d think they would consist of a little more civility but nah, it’s just a bunch of scrubs in a glorified Best Western conference center squawking about their working-class upbringing while reiterating how much they “appreciate” [insert relevant minority group].

It is low key funny though. Seemingly every major candidate has their “go-to” issue they can break out at virtually any moment. It’s essentially Washington’s version of a Get Out of Jail Free card with unlimited uses.

Whenever a candidate is pressed on a past, unequivocally damning anti-LGBT interview comment, the course of action is almost instinctive: Just reinforce that your position has “evolved” (fucking world-class spin zone term btw) but in no way, shape, or form has it evolved at a faster rate than the average global temperature in the past twenty years…

For context: Joe Biden has the former Vice Presidency, Elizabeth Warren has knockoff brand socialism and the fact she’s roughly 3% justifiably appalled by the Washington Redskins logo, Kamala Harris has the ability to assert she doesn’t believe Joe Biden’s racist while simultaneously accusing him of being racist, and Bernie Sanders has the 99% and his pledge that, if he wins the presidency, everything will be free.

In other words, everyone’s fucking insane…

I mean, could you imagine having the balls to strut into a sold-out auditorium, stare down the barrel of an NBC live television feed, and definitively claim you can eradicate systemic racism, vanquish over two century’s worth of atmospheric pollution, and convince Cletus from Tuscaloosa to just hand over his Remington 783 in a four-year span?

I struggle committing to yoga on Friday afternoons…

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