These Little League Parents Deserve The Death Penalty…

Obligatory Side Note: I’m currently listening to Sum 41’s 2001 All Killer No Filler album on Spotify and it’s absolute fire. Carry on…

So it’s Thursday, which means it’s the opening day for the fourth installment of my favorite movie trilogy of all time, Toy Story. Being Branded’s aggressively self-asserted movie guy, I had planned on seeing the film tonight and writing a cutting edge review tomorrow morning; however, work gets in the way sometimes and I’ll have to wait until tomorrow morning to get my fix.

Considering that’s the case, I need something to write about so I’m redirecting my focus to a video that surfaced a few days ago showcasing a fight that broke out during a little league game in Denver, Colorado. Spoiler alert: it’s fucking upsetting.

For the record, I don’t pretend to be a beacon of maturity whatsoever. I’m not one of these journalistic fuckboys who prop up their soapbox and narcissistically jack themself off whenever an athlete “disrespects the game” or an airline postpones a flight due to inclement weather. That said, I’m a human and one of the most infuriating things that really sets me off is entitled youth sports parents.

Evidently, reports suggest the fight initiated over a call made by a fucking 13-year-old. A FUCKING 13-year old…

Now, competitiveness is important. I don’t think participation trophies are singlehandedly dismantling the youth of our nation but it’s always been my opinion that you play to win. That said, when that “winning mentality” results in a 15-person melee as hoards of children flee the scene in tears, I’m drawing the line.

I recently rewatched Spotlight—the Best Picture winner based on the Roman Catholic child sex abuse scandal in Boston—and there’s this great scene where members of the Boston Globe interview one of the victims. During the soliloquy about his experience, he essentially asserts that being molested doesn’t just mean you tugged off some decrepit creep behind a Dairy Queen once or twice; it means you’ve been robbed of your faith.

Obviously I’m not insinuating that a parental brawl is even remotely comparable to child molestation, however, it’s similar in the fact that an instance like this can rob you of something much larger. Sports were a gigantic part of my childhood and an incident like this could’ve potentially derailed that entire experience.

As an 8-year-old, why the fuck would you ever want to finish the season after something like this? One one hand, you love the game because you get to see your friends and rip Big League Chew; on the other hand, there’s this lingering prospect of your dad reaming out at a 7th grader and throwing hands with one of your classmate’s uncles.

I used to ump when I was in Middle School as well so I’ve experienced similar situations to a much lesser extent. There used to be this one guy who’d clench his fat hands around the chain link fence behind home plate and request confirmation for every strike/ball I called. After I’d ring up some choke artist on the outside corner, all I’d hear behind me was this asshole condescendingly question, “That a strike, ump?” Like yeah dude, that’s why I said “strike.” I’m here so I can save up for a bike. Fuck off…

I know this may sound harsh, but to this day, I hope that guy gets a crippling venereal disease and dies in a house fire. Understandably that’s not the most sane thing I’ve ever said, but let me ask you this: Does the world really need that guy?

Simply put, it doesn’t. And the world doesn’t need these people either. They’re fucking braindead animals. Take away their voting rights. If you can muster up the capacity to operate like this in a public setting flooded with kids, you’re officially deplorable.

Is Kyrie Irving A Real Fucking Person…?

March 9, 2019; Los Angeles, CA, USA; Boston Celtics guard Kyrie Irving (11) reacts against the Los Angeles Lakers during the 120-107 victory at Staples Center. Mandatory Credit: Gary A. Vasquez-USA TODAY Sports

Okay, so it’s hump day and the weather is getting to me. I think condensation may be my least favorite thing in existence. I’m also stuffed up from the surplus of neon pollen that has pooled along the sides of my neighborhood street. When I eventually run for president in 2024, those might be the two platforms I run on—no pollination or condensation without representation. Furthermore, I’ll eradicate safe spaces and enlist Ja Rule as my VP, exclusively so I can claim the United States is under Ja rule…

On a side note though, is Kyrie Irving a real fucking person?

Back in February, I wrote a blog about how I was done with this dude and took some kickback on Twitter. Now, I’m not here to say I was right or a genius or some paragon of virtue capable of surveying the future under the pseudonym of “Joestradamus” but I kind of am. Normally, when I have strong takes like this, I’m right; in this situation, however, I wholeheartedly didn’t know how right I was.

During the regular season, Kyrie was clearly an issue but it wasn’t until the Celtics got their asses handed to them by Giannis and company that shit hit the fan. Everyone in Boston was just kind of like, “He’s a pain, but let’s see what they do in the playoffs.” Well, now we know what they did in the playoffs and, well, it wasn’t great.

Since then, things haven’t been much better…

Over the past week, Kyrie has not only declined his player option, but has also parted ways with his agent. Reports have suggested he’ll sign with Roc Nation, a sports management firm founded by Beyonce’s husband—owner of the extremely successful subscription-based streaming service, TIDAL. Reports also suggest he’ll sign with the Brooklyn Nets because the Brooklyn Nets are a good basketball team.

Now, all that is good and well. Things just didn’t work out. It was one of those classic “It’s not me, it’s you” type of situations. What bugs me is all the extra-curricular bullshit Kyrie pulls.

Before he landed in Boston, all that flat Earth shit should’ve been a red flag, but it’s easy to dismiss absurdity when you’re drilling daggers in the finals; when you’re single-handedly imploding a 5-year rebuilding process, there are just some things your need to clean up.

During a fill-in spot on Colin Cowherd’s show, Doug Gottlieb told some secondhand story about an exchange between Kyrie and Coach Brad Stevens before a film session. You can navigate to the link above if you want, but the general gist of the conversation was as follows:

Coach Stevens: “Morning, Kyrie.”
Normal Kyrie: “What does government mean to you?”
Coach Stevens: [insert your typical “what the fuck kind of question is that?” response] What does it mean to you, Kyrie?
Normal Kyrie: “Control…”

Like, what the fuck man? The only thing that would’ve made that story better would’ve been if Kyrie showed up to the meeting with dyed green hair, white face paint, and a violet suit…

In a nutshell, Kyrie’s that guy who stuffs money in the floorboards of his house because he doesn’t trust banks. Kyrie’s that guy who sabotages the July 4th cookout with a flood of baseless, impressively obscure opinions on Israel. Kyrie’s Netflix “suggested for you” stream includes Loose Change, Ancient Aliens, Ghost Hunters, and Finding Bigfoot. Kyrie’s the guy who thinks he’s the smartest person in the room because he doesn’t accept substantiated facts on face value. He thinks he’s a genius simply because because he’s capable of expressing doubt.

In other words, Kyrie’s an incredible talent but he’s flat out not operating with a full deck of cards. He’s like this forlorn scholar seeking out the meaning of life, but instead of being this forlorn scholar seeking out the meaning of life, he’s just some douchebag who’s good at finishing around the rim.

GOOD NEWS THOUGH: Kyrie, Nike, and Nickelodeon have apparently teamed up to create a Spongebob Squarepants-themed line of sneakers because Squidward rigged the 2016 election.

If You’re Kawhi, Why WOULDN’T You Leave…?

So it’s Tuesday and I have absolutely NOTHING to blog about. The Bruins fell to the Blues last Wednesday night, the Raptors capped off the NBA season a night later, and I’ll have to wait another couple months before the next golf major. We’re officially in the Endgame right now until football picks up steam, but I have a few thoughts on NBA free agency, which has become a spectacle in itself.

Most people hate on this era of “player empowerment” we live in and I have no idea why. When Kevin Durant took his talents to Golden State, every talking head on the planet ripped the move, essentially insinuating Durant’s a huge pussy for joining a team he was one game away from beating a year earlier. For the record, he absolutely was, but I’m not going to sit here and act like it didn’t give the NBA landscape some juice for the next few seasons.

People who say they want parody are liars. They’re the same people who say they want defense in the NFL. Sure, it would be great to see a more level playing field; however, at the same time, powerhouses put asses in seats. Superstars fill the rafters. You need villains in sports and that’s exactly what Durant gave us. Not to mention, he further perpetuated a climate where loyalty is for the birds and the tides in Vegas can shift on a moment’s notice.

As we head into this free agency period, we’ve already seen one of the dominoes fall. LeBron finally managed to yank Anthony Davis’ ass to the Lake Show and I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if we saw Kyrie or Kemba head there as well. You just never know with this league…

Aside from that though, arguably the biggest name left to show their hand is Kawhi Leonard—the same guy who just dismantled his second career dynasty. With Durant’s age and recent injury, it’s tough to claim there’s anyone else with more leverage heading into the war room than him right now, which is exactly what’s confusing me.

Everyone and their mother keeps asking the same question: Why would Kawhi leave Toronto right now? To which I respond, “Idk man, it’s fucking cold…”

If you’re Kawhi Leonard, why wouldn’t you leave right now? If there was ever a situation where you could leave a city high and dry, it’s this one. Everyone keeps saying he should stay because he’d be a legend in that city. Ummm, I’m pretty sure the guy’s already a legend in Toronto.

I mean, it’s not like the Kyrie situation where he rolled in and singlehandedly imploded a 5-year rebuilding process before heading for the door. The guy showed up for a cup of coffee and spearheaded the franchise’s only championship since 1995. That’s cold-blooded mercenary shit right there.

Also, if he leaves and wins yet another championship as the lead dude for a third team, that’s a TOUGH legacy to dismiss. Kawhi seems like a guy who just wants to play ball, and given the prospect of an achievement like that, I don’t see why he’d stay.

Not to mention, the most probable landing destination is in LA with the Clippers, right where he grew up. The whole “homecoming” aspect is such a trump card. It’s kind of like when someone mentions they don’t drink and you want to give them shit but their reasoning has to do with their father being an alcoholic or something. Just one of those “ahh fuck, whatever” type deals where although you disagree, it’s completely understandable.

So yeah, if he goes, he goes. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t. Given the current climate of the league, there’s no telling what his chances will be at either destination but the one thing we can be certain of that we’ll get one of those ridiculous, P Diddy “I’m Coming Home” montages at the Staples Center if the ghost of Donald Sterling can pull some strings…

The Reign of Boston Sports Is Officially Over…

Disclaimer: It probably isn’t, but by the time I’m proven wrong, most will forget this blog…

It’s currently Thursday and we are roughly a full work day removed from the Bruins stinker against St. Louis last night. For those keeping score, the Blues are officially your 2019 Stanley Cup champions.

Now, I’m not a big hockey guy. The extent of my hockey knowledge starts and ends with NHL 12, as well as my .937 save percentage as Plymouth County’s premier street hockey goalie. I used to play under the alias Hoviak Sloviak—“The Soviet Hammer.” They never went glove side because they couldn’t go glove side…

Anyway, the main reason I’m writing this blog is because I haven’t seen it yet; however, I know some dickhead nobody who perpetually gets buried in Metro will ultimately be looking for social media traction. I’m here to beat them to it because I’m a fucking journalist…

So yeah, the reign of Boston sports is officially over…

It was a fun ride while it lasted but the Bruins just coughed one up to a team that was dead last in January, Brady isn’t getting any younger, Belichick traded up to snag a punter at the draft, the Red Sox are battling a .500 record, Kyrie just opted out of his deal, the Revolution have the second worst record in the Eastern conference, and lacrosse isn’t really even a sport.

Not to mention, John Havlicek just died, Danny Ainge recently suffered a minor heart attack, David Ortiz is currently recovering from a failed assasination attempt at Mass General, and Boston’s incredibly congenial, well-intentioned “Straight Pride” parade may not even happen.

When it rains it pours, and as I write this from the driver’s side of my 2014 Ford Fiesta (the “Sex Machine”), it’s actually drizzling out. The road’s are slippery and I won’t be surprised if there’s a 30+ car pileup on the Mass Pike due to slippage and a surplus of still-drunk massholes with less than apt reaction time.

It’s just a sad day to be from Boston, but alas, there’s hope. According to TWO polls released yesterday, Boston’s ravenous moutpiece Elizabeth Warren has passed Bernie Sanders in both state and national Democratic approval ratings. Not to mention, the Sox absolutely HAMMERED the Rangers yesterday 4-3.

So there’s hope for us Boston fans this morning, but it’s fleeting. The reign of Boston sports is officially over, until it’s not and everyone forgets this blog.

In the meantime, feed me clicks…

My Biannual Blog On Why Apple Consumers Are Morons…

So it’s Tuesday and Apple held it’s annual Worldwide Developer Conference this week where thousands of Cheeto-stained virgins flood into the ballroom of some glorified Best Western to jack eachother off as some Silicon Valley dweller in Kohl’s jeans showcases a new feature where your iPhone can automatically detect, identify, and sort dick pics into a particular folder for easier consumption.

Yesterday, Apple released a ton of news. Most notably, Apple announced a $1000 monitor stand—what a STEAL—as well as their plan to dissolve iTunes, which means no more long winded user agreements to blindly sign or automatically added U2 songs where the proceeds I never donated go to some manitee preservation charity in Australia.

Disclaimer: I’m the sultan of ron-on sentences…

So yeah, I thought today would be the perfect day to release my biannual blog on why Apple consumers are morons. Here goes nothing… (literally)

Every year, Apple unveils their new iPhone; and every year, millions of people flood retail outlets across the globe the latch their wet fingers around Cupertino’s newest iSomething.

But before I venture any further, I don’t hate Apple’s products; I just hate how the company elects to unveil their products. It’s as if they manufacture products with the understanding that they aren’t perfect.

In other words, Apple knows that their forthcoming product could easily be refined; however, they would rather just go ahead and release it so they can come out with an “enhanced version” a month later.

Why? Because they know people would willingly amputate their left hand to get their right hand on it.

So why do people want the new iPhone every year? Because it’s slimmer and sleeker, of course. Even though the first iPhone was thinner than one of the Olsen twins, seemingly every iPhone that Apple has rolled out since has been slimmer and sleeker. It’s to the point where I’m waiting for Apple to come out with a two-dimensional iPhone that appears non-existent when viewed from the side.

And although the iPhone is the best representation of Apple’s autocratic stranglehold on its consumers, the evolution of their entire product line is just as ridiculous. To simplify things, I’ve listed the evolution below:

  • 2001: Apple releases the iPod because the world realized it needed a way to store all of the music it illegally downloaded.
  • 2007: Apple releases the iPhone because the world realized it needed a way to store all of the music it illegally downloaded on the same software it uses to make phone calls.
  • 2013: Apple releases the iTouch because the world realized it needed a larger iPod, but even more importantly, an iPhone that couldn’t make phone calls.
  • 2013 (continued): Apple releases the iPad because the world realized it needed a larger iTouch, which was essentially a larger iPhone that couldn’t make phone calls.
  • 2013 (continued further): Apple Releases the iPad Mini because the world realized that even though it needed a larger iTouch, which was essentially a larger iPhone that couldn’t make phone calls, it didn’t need that large of an iTouch, and more importantly, that large of an iPhone that couldn’t make phone calls.
  • 2015 (and since then): Apple releases whatever size phone with whatever features they want because Apple consumers would literally dig up the rotting carcus of Steve Jobs and give him the ole’ Orchids of Asia treatment if they could.

Thus, we’re full circle. We’re officially back to shoveling out $500 for “enhanced” products that we, in principle, owned back in 2007. Talk about a brilliant marketing scheme…

Side Note: I’m fully convinced the whole “no headphone jack” was a test. I feel like Cupertino was just like “let’s see what these fucking idiots will let us get away with.”

[sent via iPhone]

– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)

Booksmart: Top 5 Comedy of The Decade… Yup

Okay, so it’s Thursday and I’ve been off the blogwagon for a few days. In other words, Memorial Day took it’s toll and I spent the entire 3-day stint thanking people for their service, especially the good men and women at Bud Light who graciously sponsored my mercurial endeavors over the weekend.

That said, I’m back with another movie review. On Tuesday morning, I had every intention of seeing Aladdin. It’s easily the biggest draw in theaters right now, but to be honest, I couldn’t have been less pumped. These new live action Disney remakes are solid, but that’s pretty much where they end. Dumbo and Beauty and the Beast were serviceable, but that’s part of the problem. They’re cookie cutter safe, to the point where I feel they’re exclusively intended for parents who want to introduce their children to what they grew up with.

Luckily, when I surveyed my local cinema’s website, I noticed some movie called Booksmart playing around the same time. Following a quick Google search—compounded by a 97% score on Rotten Tomatoes—I decided to jump on the opportunity to bail on 2 hours of Middle Easterns surfing rugs in favor of yet another coming of age high school comedy.

Booksmart follows the story of two academic overachievers who, after realizing they may have wasted their high school experience, decide to cram 4 years of fun into one night (basically stole that synopsis from IMDB).

So yeah, I know what you’re thinking: “I’ve seen this movie 1,000 times before.” And you’re right, but only partially. Why? Because this is the same movie you’ve seen 1,000 times, but done differently.

For those keeping score, I fucking LOVE coming of age films. Lady Bird was the best movie of 2017 and I’ll have passionate sex with anyone who argues otherwise. It was just an all around excellent film that shares quite a number of parallels with Booksmart. Most notably, Beanie Feldstein (who compliments Saoirse Ronan in Lady Bird) was fucking fantastic and I guess I’ll start there…

The most difficult task when attempting a coming of age movie is typically casting. It’s tough to find kids with chops but that’s probably the strongest aspect of Booksmart. As I mentioned, Beanie Feldstein was remarkable but the chemistry between her and Kaitlyn Dever was what ultimately drove the film. Aside from that, I couldn’t help but be blown away by the entire cast. Strong performances all around from a collection of unknowns and I’m sure it won’t be the last we hear from them. Mark my words: In 10 years or so, this is going to be one of those Freaks and Geeks or Arrested Development-type productions you watch and go “Holy shit, they’re in this too?”

Outside of that, I thought Olivia Wilde’s directing is what really gave Booksmart its fast-paced, youthful charm. Without giving much away, there’s a one-take shot during the climax of the film, as well as an underwater scene that looked absolutely fantastic. Not to mention, the soundtrack bumps and gives the movie the feel of a 2-hour music video.

Not to mention (X2), it’s REALLY fucking funny. One of the smartest comedies I’ve seen in a long time, which brings me to my next point…

I have a axe to grind with the masses right now. I did some research following my screening and I guess the studio took a gamble with this film to the tune of a widespread release and it’s getting absolutely HANDLED at the box office. And yeah, that fucking bothers me.

Everyone and their mother loves to complain how Hollywood lacks originality. Everyone loves to complain how everything released in theaters these days is either a sequel, prequel, spinoff, or reboot. Well you want to know why? Because any time Hollywood puts out anything with even the slightest sense of originality or genuine heart, NOBODY FUCKING SEES IT.

Point Blank: This movie deserves better. It’s arguably the best coming of age pure comedy since Superbad, and I would go as far as to say it’s a top 5 pure comedy of the last decade with The Other Guys, Bridesmaids, and both Jump Streets. Go see it for God’s sake…

Here’s the first 6 minutes…

Final Score: 9.3 Boats out of 10

– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)

2019-2020 Scores

Fighting With My Family: 9.0
Captain Marvel: 6.4
How To Train Your Dragon 3: 8.8
US: 8.4
Dumbo: 4.3
Shazam!: 8.3.
Avengers Endgame: 9.6
Detective Pikachu: 5.7